had to triage us on the street and carry us to the extraction point. From there it was a clusterfuck.”
“And your back?”
“Burns and shrapnel.”
Addy nodded against my chest and pressed herself closer.
“There’s no such thing as perfect, Trey. We’re all flawed. Some of those imperfections we wear, some are hidden inside of us, and some are buried so deep they’re dormant until something triggers them awake. And sometimes, the things we bury are the very things that should be brought to light.”
Instead of lashing out, I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes.
“Guilt and blame will eat you alive unless you talk about it,” she continued.
“Addy—”
“Shh, Trey.” Her hand slid from my chest to my ribs, then farther until her palm rested on the small of my back. I screwed my eyes closed and stiffened. “I’m not saying I’m the right person to talk to about it. I’m not even saying you’re ready. But when you are, I know some pretty great guys who are waiting for you.”
Fuck.
“I want you to know I was being sincere when I apologized for being an ass. I said some stupid shit about you living a perfect life. I knew it was stupid when I was saying it. I knew I was lashing out at you because my head was twisted. And as fucked-up as this is, maybe I was trying to push you into hating me. Every day it was getting harder and harder to keep my distance. I wanted to see you as much as I wanted to avoid you. I have a lot of shit to work out but I promise you, I will never take that out on you again.”
There was a beat of silence before she asked, “What changed?”
So much. Everything. Too much.
Instead of answering, I told her, “You know, I’ve never laid in bed with a woman naked and talked.” Unsurprisingly, Addy’s hand stilled and her body went taut. “Never, Adalynn. And since I’ve never done that, you can take from that I’ve never laid naked with a woman and been open about my feelings. So what changed? Everything and it started the day I met you.”
“You thought I was Hadley.”
There was accusation in her tone and she was right.
“I did, for about a nanosecond. I’m getting the sense that bothers you, but, Addy, you two are identical twins, and until someone knows you, the mix-up is easy. But as I said, it took me barely a second to see you were not your sister, and when I did, the change in me started. I went from a cocksure prick to a man who felt unworthy.”
“Unworthy?”
“Before the explosion, I wouldn’t have hesitated. I would’ve turned on the charm and worked you.”
“And I would’ve turned you down,” she vowed.
“I know you would’ve.” I smiled. “And knowing made me feel unworthy.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“It does to me. Simply knowing that you’re the type of woman who sees past all the superficial bullshit made me fall for you. It went beyond attraction, it was a feeling that settled over me, warm and comforting. Something I’d never felt. I told myself I was insane, no one fell for a woman they didn’t know anything about. Then I reminded myself I wasn’t good enough for you. Not anymore. And that pissed me off. It made me resent my new life. It made me feel less of a man. And from there, the change in me went south until I hit a new low. A place I didn’t want to be. I became a person I didn’t like. I was ungrateful, and as you pointed out, a quitter. And, Addy, I have never in my life quit.
“But you were right, I quit being a man I was proud of. Everything I was doing was counterproductive—I wanted you to see me but the man I was showing you was a fucking dick. I spent a lot of time this last week thinking about how it was possible I fell so hard and fast for you. But it comes down to this. What we’re doing right now—I’ve never held a woman in my arms and been open and honest about anything because I never trusted or felt comfortable enough to do it. And beyond that, I’ve never wanted to share any part of my personal life with a woman. I never wanted a woman to hold me close. I’ve never asked another living soul to wrap themselves around me and beg them not to let go.”