get no bullshit.”
I zoned back in and realized Mom was chatting to him. “So, darling, how is your Ma?”
The briefest flicker of grief flashed across that wanton profile before it was banished with a chuckle. “Well, yesterday she turned all my best underwear into a piece of modern art. I couldn’t get annoyed with her, she was so proud of it. And she gets upset real easy.”
Mom covered her mouth and Doug touched her free hand. “Mostly, she’s real good these days, Mrs A. Happy. Always singing.”
Mom nodded and twisted a lock of that golden hair around her finger.
“Actually, I’m heading off again next week. Don’t suppose you girls’d look in on her while I’m gone? She’ll have care round the clock, of course, but it’s not the same, y’know…”
As he started his favorite rant about how hard it is to get nursing staff who pay attention to the little things, Mom and I took a moment to admire the finely sculpted work of art that was Doug, before we started talking over him. It’s okay, it was telepathy. He couldn’t hear us.
Lovely boy, takes such good care of his Ma. Remind me why you broke up with him?
I ignored her. If she was a normal mother, she’d know that Doug falls into the category of guys you shouldn’t sleep with. Don’t get me wrong, he’s real funny, and sweet, and he can do things in bed that make it pretty clear where the Special Forces got the “special” bit from. But I bet Janice Dean’s Ma would have told Jancie that guys who can’t tell you where they’ve been or what they do for a living are not gonna be the most reliable lovers. I bet Janice Dean never climbed out any potty windows. I took a moment to think about the reliable Mrs Dean, with her blue rinse, yellow roses and green-eyed envy of everyone else’s lives. I shrugged inwardly.
Thank Ran for mermaid mothers.
I zoned back into the head of mine. Mom…about tonight. I need to…
I barely finished. It’s okay. You do what you’ve got to do. Just stay safe, my love.
I smiled at her. I’ll be home for brownie baking in the morning. Promise.
She frowned a little in response. Should I ask?
No way. No. I shouldn’t think so.
She was on the job immediately, yawning delicately. Part kitten, part woman.
“Mercy me, I am beat.” She leaned over and planted a soft kiss on Doug’s cheek.
He looked momentarily dazzled before squawking out a hoarse “Ni’night.”
Then he started talking again, but I wasn’t zoned in. I was visualizing his van, and how I was going to get it. It’d be tricky. Last time, Doug got his Harley back kinda bent out of shape.
“Oh, baby,” he crooned. “You really gotta try the shrimp fry over at the Dirty Boar.”
I momentarily forgot that I was trying to be nice so he’d let me borrow his van.
“Sweet mother, Doug, don’t you remember about my allergy?”
I had to stop and breathe, because the thought of piscinavores makes my throat do these weird little gulps. I’ve had to invent the seafood allergy to cover my tracks. What annoys me more than anything are the people who claim to be vegetarian, but say they eat fish. Leaving aside the sheer stupidity of the statement – you know, someone claiming to be a vegetarian while also referring to eating an animal – it just makes no sense. Being a piscinavore is like being a cannibal who says “I don’t eat people, only concert pianists and famous painters.” Me, I’m quite happy to eat some clueless old bovine, but fish. Man, fish are sentient beings.
“Go wash your hands. And rinse y’ freakin’ mouth. There’s Listerine on top. Go now.”
In Aegira, everyone’s vegetarian, but here on land I eat meat. It’s cool, I’ve looked inside the minds of cows and I can guarantee there’s nothing there. I even went to an abattoir once to check. Even as the poor things were lining up to go into the slaughterhouse, their minds showed up nothing but a picture of a blade of grass and vague feeling of an itch on the rump.
“Alright, alright,” Doug complained, making for the bathroom. “Although it’s not like I’m going to kiss ya, Sheriff.” He paused, then a dark look spread across that hot face. “Am I?”
Oh man, he looked good when he got that look in his eye. A hundred delicious memories competed for my attention, and they weren’t all of Doug naked. Not all