Alex puts his head back a little, in mild surprise. ‘Oh… okay, well, I guess we can cancel Kevin and when you think the time’s right, we can order another one.’
‘No – I didn’t mean—’
‘So we keep Kevin.’ He beams, all eager again.
‘Alex, I don’t know, just stop, this is a lot to take in.’
‘But we talked about all this – on our first date, you told me your dreams, and I’m making them come true. Like I said I would.’
‘I don’t know any more. I feel slightly overwhelmed, to be honest.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve done it again, haven’t I? I can’t ever get things right.’ He’s crestfallen, and I feel awful. I look at his puppy-dog eyes, while at the same time remembering the punch, the heavy landing, the blood trickling along the pavement, mixing with the rain.
‘I just think I need time to think about what I really want,’ I say quietly.
‘Oh.’ The sadness on his face is difficult to bear. He’s obviously been so excited about the home office, and the dog, and as much as I want time to think, I don’t want to ruin it all for him. Maybe he didn’t punch that guy tonight. He said he only pushed him. Perhaps it was just bad luck that he fell and banged his head. And when we left him, he was coming round.
‘Can I have some time to think about moving in?’ I ask. I don’t want to hurt him, so I say, ‘It’s more to do with logistics, and—’
‘Yes of course, but I don’t see why logistics come into it. This is closer to where you work than your flat – which, let’s face it, is run-down.’
I nod, I don’t have the energy to talk about this now. ‘It’s a big decision,’ I say. ‘It’s very late, I have work in the morning, and I’m so exhausted. I just want to sleep.’
‘And Kevin?’ His face lights up like a child’s. ‘I never had a dog as a kid, I was so excited about collecting him.’
‘Okay, let’s go with Kevin,’ I say, unable to say no to the thought of a lonely puppy not being collected. I know he’s doing this for me, but Alex wants this too, and it’s a small comfort knowing that if I decide not to move in, at least with a new puppy around he’ll have a companion.
‘I know you’re tired, darling, but…’ He’s now wafting the brochure and I can’t help but feel slightly panicky at what new ‘surprise’ he has up his sleeve. ‘On our first date, along with the dog and the three kids – we also talked about spending a holiday by the sea in Devon.’
I’m sitting waiting for this, knowing what the surprise is but not as happy as I should be.
‘And this weekend, you and I are going here,’ he announces.
‘I can’t just run off to Devon, Alex. I have stuff to do.’
Ignoring me, he opens up the brochure at a picture of the most beautiful little cottage. It’s a traditional pastel-coloured fisherman’s cottage on the outside, but further pictures show the inside is contemporary, with everything one might need for a romantic winter weekend away. It’s perfect, but right now it doesn’t feel right.
‘Don’t worry about food and drink, I’ve made an order from this amazing deli near the cottage. I called them today and they’ll deliver as soon as we arrive on Friday.’
I’m almost breathless. ‘Alex, I’m sorry, I can’t just take Friday off, it’s our last day before we break for Christmas. It’s a busy time.’
‘Don’t worry,’ he says, ‘I think of everything. I called Jas earlier today and told her you need to take Friday off.’
‘I don’t… Look, Alex, I’m sorry. I just don’t like surprises. I need to know what I’m doing. Surprises and sudden change freaks me out – it stems from being a child in care – when someone comes into my life and starts telling me I have to move, or go somewhere, I feel like I’m losing control. I know it’s hard for you to understand, it’s just the way I am. I’m grateful, and appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I feel very uncomfortable at what’s happening now.’
‘Oh.’ He puts the brochure down on the table, deflated. ‘Sorry. I’m so bloody thoughtless, what an idiot.’
‘No, you’re not. You can’t know how I feel about everything.’
‘I’m your partner, I should know. I should know everything about you. I’ll cancel our Devon trip first thing tomorrow,