looked at Savannah, and I’d lost it. He’d been our waiter, and he’d just been taking her order. I’d known that as I unleashed my unfounded rage on him, but I hadn’t been able to stop. All reason seemed to fade away as that red haze took over, and it was only getting worse.
Lying to Savannah. Looking at her and knowing what I’d done. Seeing the confusion and disappointment as my anger became more irrepressible. Pretending like everything was fucking okay when I saw my brother or when Madison was around even though it felt like I was dying the slowest, most painful death.
I was breaking. Literally crumbling.
And I was taking Savannah with me.
The door to my room opened at the same time Savannah called out, “Beau?”
My head snapped up and I turned in time to see her peek into my room, her expectant expression falling when she found me.
“Hey.”
Her mouth lifted in a smile that was filled with so much uncertainty, and it tore at my already shredded heart. “Hi.” Her stare darted around, looking everywhere but at me as she shut the door behind her and pressed up against it.
Not looking at me. Not coming to me.
Everything about it was wrong. Everything about it was the opposite of us. And that was on me.
The pain and worry dancing across her face. The unfamiliar way she spoke to me. All of it was there because of me.
“You weren’t down there,” she said as her eyes finally met mine. “Thought I’d come looking for you. See if—” She lifted one of her shoulders and shook her head, never finishing what she’d been about to say.
I wanted to beg her to just say it. To say whatever was on her mind. To yell at me. To do anything. But I just nodded, knowing her hesitation was in response to the way I’d been the past couple of months.
“Needed to get away for a minute,” I said, giving her the only portion of the truth I could.
There was a party currently happening in my parents’ house. Dozens of people filling the inside and spilling out, celebrating the next graduating class. Hunter and Madison’s class. Where I was supposed to pretend some more.
Pretend like everything was okay.
Like I hadn’t betrayed my brother and the girl in front of me. Like watching Madison go around as if nothing had happened, as if she wasn’t suffering under the same guilt I was, didn’t infuriate me. Like Savannah and I weren’t breaking.
“And that included getting away from me?” Savannah asked softly, her chest shuddering as she sucked in a calming breath.
Fuck. Fuck, no, no, no. “Savannah—”
“Things have been different.” She steeled her jaw and continued holding my stare, trying to look strong when I knew she was so close to crumpling. “I can feel it. I can see it,” she continued, voice wavering. “I don’t know what’s happening, or what happened—”
“Nothing,” I lied, fear gripping at my throat and freezing me in place as I struggled to think of what to do to make this okay.
To make this right when nothing could.
Her head shook slowly. “Beau, you’re distant. Not just emotionally, but physically.” A weak huff tumbled from her as she gestured to me, as if proving her point. “You’re distracted when we’re together. You don’t—” Her tongue darted out to wet her lips and her stare fell away. Blush creeping up her neck when she said, “You don’t touch me.”
At the pain in her voice, my entire being reacted. Rushing for her as my heart wrenched and spirit thrashed.
“That isn’t what I mean,” she said quickly, a sharp cry falling from her lips when I stopped a couple feet away. She blinked up at me, each tear slipping down her cheeks like a cut to my chest. “It’s like you’re trying to escape me. If you want out—”
“Out?” I choked on the word as it scraped up my throat. My heart sank and my veins filled with ice. “Savannah, you’re my world. Why the hell would I want out?”
“I don’t know, but I can feel that you don’t want this anymore.”
“You’re wrong.”
Her head moved in wide, wild shakes before nodding fiercely. “Then, maybe you just want me.” Her voice was so soft, so broken, so defeated that it knocked me forward a step.
Body trembling.
Chest pitching with uneven breaths.
But that haze was nowhere to be found. This? This was pure fear and denial and loss.
I wanted Savannah. I wanted her every day of the rest of