want to go to school without knowing that she was going to be able to make it through the day.
I did grab one of his flannel shirts and shove it in my bag when Mom and Kayla weren’t looking. I had plenty of pictures and videos and so forth of my dad, but I wanted something that still had his smell. I also found a few pictures of the two of us and a few other little keepsakes that Mom wouldn’t miss.
I still couldn’t believe he was dead. I’d said it thousands of times, thinking that if I said it enough, I’d start believing it. Even the service hadn’t done it. Even seeing the urn with his ashes in it hadn’t done it. I’d taken some of those, too, when everyone had been in bed. They were double Ziploc-bagged at the bottom of my backpack. I was now the creepy girl who stole her dad’s ashes. I had no idea what I was going to do with them.
Mom had a million different ideas, but she never stuck with one of them long enough. First it was the beach, then it was the mountains, and then it was at his childhood home, and then it was a little bit in a bunch of places. Her latest scheme was some sort of road trip where we dropped little bits in places that meant something to him. It sounded like something she’d heard in a movie. Some sort of weird bonding experience where we’d all learn something and come out better in the end and ride off into a hopeful sunset in a blue convertible. Too bad life was never like that.
Mom had barely mentioned Stryker other than to say, “That tattooed boy gone now?” I just nodded and let it go. She didn’t ask about him again, and I didn’t volunteer anything.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I said to Kayla the Wednesday following the funeral. I had used up all my “dead dad” freebie days from classes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll see you on Saturday, right?” I’d planned to come home on the weekends until further notice to give Kayla a break from Mom duty. Not that I’d be much help.
I saw her checking her phone for the millionth time, even though Adam had already landed in Africa and wouldn’t have service again.
“It sucks that he had to go back.”
“Yeah, but we’ve got to learn how to deal with stuff like this.” She said it, but I could tell she didn’t mean it. Since they’d met, they’d barely spent any time apart, and you could see that it was like part of her was missing. Kayla had dated before, but I’d never seen her like this. My normally organized (the apple didn’t fall far from the tree) sister was scatterbrained and careless. Some of it had to do with losing Dad and some of it had to do with the fact that part of her heart was thousands of miles away.
“I’m not the kind of girl who can’t function without a man. I’m not,” she said, taking one of the clean dishes and going to the freezer and putting it in.
“Um, Kay?”
“What?”
“I think that belongs in the cabinet.”
She opened the freezer, took the now-chilled plate out and put it in the cabinet with a clatter.
“You didn’t see that,” she said, grabbing another dish.
“See what?”
“Exactly.”
***
“Mom?” She’d gone back to bed after having a crying fit over finding some of Dad’s tools in the garage. “I’m leaving.”
The room was dark. Kayla had tacked up pieces of fabric over the windows for her. It was a bit like walking into a cave.
She rolled over slowly, barely opening her swollen eyes. Whereas I couldn’t cry, she seemed to breaking the world record for most tears shed. If only we could make a trade. I’d be happy to be the sobbing wreck if it meant she could hold it together better.
“Okay.” She didn’t seem to want to move, so I pulled the covers down and got in with her, shoes and all. It was a testament to how upset she was that she didn’t scold me.
I lay my head on the pillow next to hers.
“Are you going to be okay here?” It was a stupid question, but I had to ask it anyway.
“No.” Her face collapsed and she started sobbing again. I grabbed one of the many tissue boxes Kayla and I had stashed all over the house.