could convince you to change your life plans when that’s not really what you want. If you feel sure of your feelings, then it’s time to talk to him. I think in this situation, there needs to be honesty. Lay all your cards on the table. Let him do the same.
Zoey: You say that like it’s so easy to be honest and put myself out there.
Sam: I know it isn’t easy. But I also know you’re brave. You’ve made it through so much in your life. If this is something you feel sure about, I know you’ll fight for it. And if it’s not, I know that you’ll walk away, even if it’s hard.
Walk away.
Just the idea that things could end with me walking away brings that tightness back to my chest with full force. Which I think is an answer in and of itself.
It feels terrifyingly risky. Like the kind of choice I’ve always avoided in lieu of safety and comfort and things I can control. But maybe Abby was right when she said I needed to let my hair down. Maybe picking a lane has meant choosing safety at the expense of really living. I remember how it felt to hold nothing back with Annette and Roxana at the office.
Maybe I don’t need to choose such a narrow path for myself.
The phone buzzes in my hand, and I bite my lip as I read Sam’s text.
Sam: BTW how was the kiss?
Zoey: It could have woken Sleeping Beauty.
Sam: As your friend, not as Dr. Love, can I give you an extra piece of advice, just for Zoey Abramson?
Zoey: Of course.
Sam: Don’t let your head shut down your heart.
The words are so intuitive. Because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. My worries and thoughts have taken the wheel, shutting everything else down.
There’s a soft knock at my door before I can respond to Sam’s last text. My heart responds with immediacy, and it’s like the hooves of a horse galloping. I roll my eyes at myself even as I glance at my reflection in the mirror above Gavin’s dresser.
As good as I’m going to look, I guess. Before I turn the knob, I draw in a breath, preparing myself for the sight of Gavin in the dark hallway. Will I invite him in? Tell him to shoo? I try to calm my skittering nerves and excitement at the idea of sneaking around in his parents’ house like we’re teenagers.
But when I pull open the door, it’s Ella, shifting on her feet. She’s wearing pink pajamas that Norah bought her.
“Ella?”
When she lifts her eyes from the floor, I can see the emotion in their depths. Her mouth opens and closes, and she can’t seem to get words out. A nightmare? A new bed? Going cold turkey off the macro diet her mother put her on?
Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. She’s frightened and lonely and needs someone. I’m the last person I would recommend, but she’s here at my door.
Without taking the time to question it, I curl my arm around her thin shoulders and pull her into the room, flicking off the light and closing the door as I do so.
“Come on,” I say, pulling back the sheets on Gavin’s childhood bed. I know it’s illogical since his mother probably washed them earlier, but I wish they smell like him.
Without a word or any protest, Ella slides over next to the wall and I climb in beside her. It’s the most natural thing in the world to snuggle up next to her, and I think that we’re both somehow desperate and greedy for the affection. With a sigh, her breathing evens out, and I’m honestly shocked that she could sleep any more than she already has today. But I know that the emotional weight of all this has to be impacting her physically. Sleep is a natural response.
One that unfortunately doesn’t come to me quickly as I stare up at the same ceiling Gavin must have looked at countless times in his life. I’m in his bed, with his daughter gathered to me like she’s my own, and I’m terrified that this can’t end in any way but with me being completely gutted.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Gavin
I didn’t know how much it mattered to me to see a woman I like on horseback. But the sight of Zoey wearing fitted jeans, astride one of the paint mares has me thinking thoughts I have no business thinking.