that’s going to lower Abby’s volume. I hope it works.
“Fine,” Abby whisper-shouts, tossing her turquoise-tipped hair over her shoulder. “I’ll stay quiet if you spill.”
I open and close my mouth, trying to figure out how to summarize, then just slide my phone across the table. It’s already open to the text conversation between me and Gavin, which I read yet again while walking here. I watch Abby’s face as she reads, her expression televising every thought she has. When she’s done, her smile is as wide as I’ve ever seen it.
“So? Why the freakout? It’s clear the man is into you. Are you overthinking again?”
“Maybe. It’s kind of what I do.”
Because I keep such a tight lid on my feelings and words, it’s like my brain makes up for it with an overactive thought life. Otherwise, I might explode.
“Well, stop. Or,” she says, seeing my irritation at her oversimplified advice, “you could talk it out with your bestie. Lay it on me.”
I sigh. “He’s my boss. He’s older. Like, almost twenty years older. I invited him tonight without thinking it through. He’s going to meet Zane. Who won’t be nice.”
“I’ll keep him on a short leash.”
I snort. Not likely. Though if anyone could, it would be Abby. She has my twin wrapped around her pinky finger and tied into a little bow.
“Plus, aren’t you handing in your resignation today? He won’t be your boss for long.”
“I couldn’t! Not when I have to face him tonight. I gave my deadline an extension. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
I expect Abby to argue, but she only nods. “Makes sense. Permission to speak freely, sir?”
I wince, because I never know what Abby will say, only that she doesn’t hold back. “Granted.”
“You’ve got to let go. I know that I didn’t know you before your mom died. But I have talked a lot with Zane about losing her.”
“You have?” It makes sense that they would talk about Mom. I mean, the two of them went from zero to serious pretty quickly. But still. The tiniest thread of jealousy weaves through me that he talked to Abby, not me. Zane and I almost never bring up the M word together.
“Not a lot. But some. And from what he tells me, I think you both closed off a lot after she died. He says you all got more serious. Too serious, maybe?”
You can’t lose your mom and not change. At any age. But especially when you lose her in high school. Even Dad changed.
The three of us got quieter. More serious, like Abby said. Dad stopped smiling, cutting back from a dozen smiles a year to maybe two. Zane and I focused on grades. I added track into that, beating all my own records senior year. Running was one of the only times I felt sort of lighter, maybe because of the endorphins?
Honor roll stopped being enough. I became a straight-A student, taking extra courses for college credit. I only loosened up the tiniest bit in college, mostly due to Abby and our other friends. I allowed her and the girls to convince me to go out one night a weekend, rather than spending both doing homework. My drive now is still just as intense.
I’m sure it’s the reason none of my relationships worked out. More than one guy I dated said roundabout things that all sort of pointed to me being too intense. It’s probably why my office mates made me a cake with a robot on it.
“I can’t be you,” I say, feeling the sting of tears I wish I could shove back behind my eyes. “I’m not going to pretend that I’m not intense. Serious. Like it or not, this is me.”
“I’m not asking you to be someone else. Definitely not me. I’m a hot mess. I’d never do that, and neither should anyone else. I’m just saying that maybe you could hold things a little bit more loosely. Maybe ease up on the control a bit without losing yourself?”
Abby isn’t wrong, and that’s what scares me most of all. Because I don’t know how to do what she’s asking, even if I know in my gut that she’s right.
“What if I can’t do this?” I whisper, tracing over the table, where someone has carved a drawing of an alien.
“Do what?”
I shake my head, unsure how to even articulate the pit of panic forming in my stomach. “I don’t know.”
Abby sighs, and leans across the table to take my hand. “Look. Falling in love is