into me.
“How about I call you my girlfriend, and you can call me your boyfriend?” I said.
Sarina looked like she was about to cry. “I can’t.”
The smile dropped from my face as if it suddenly weighed too much to hold up. “But… why not?”
She floundered for a second. “Because… I don’t think you’re being honest with me.”
“About what?”
Sarina took a deep breath. “There’s been something bothering me… like… I don’t know how to say it.”
“Just ask, Sarina.”
“I’ve never felt like this about anybody, Ryan. That’s the truth.” She cast her eyes down for a moment, trying to hide what I was sure was a flash of bitterness, then looked up again. “I’ve been kind of pushing this… stuff… down while we’ve been… doing whatever it is we’ve been doing, but if you want to be with me, like really be with me, you need to tell me the truth.”
“About what?” I repeated.
“That first night in the club, I saw some… things. I noticed you come in, but it seemed like a lot of people did. There were some men that came up to you, gave you some money, and then you gave them something. They didn’t look like the kind of guys who used moisturizing cream or lipstick. Then there was the fight with the gang. They didn’t look like the kind of people concerned with the cosmetics industry either. What aren’t you telling me, Ryan?”
Oh fuck. Looked like Sarina was already crashing like a meteorite into the world I was trying to take over. Fuck.
My heart sank. If I told her the truth, it would drive her away, I’d be “with” her even less than now, not more. How the fuck could I explain this?
Sarina
Ryan probably wouldn’t have had any different expression on his face if he’d been tied to a post in front of a firing squad. The way that hopeful smile dropped from his face broke my heart. I felt like an ogre, taking this perfect, sweet, sincere moment and using it for my own purposes.
I had to remember I was a cop, I was working here, even though a huge part of me wanted to scream “Yes!” and dive on top of him. A boyfriend? For me? How fucking amazing would that be? Instead, I risked losing that beautiful thing.
Then there was the fact that I’d also just put out an ultimatum for Ryan. If he didn’t think I was worth it, then he’d just tell me to get my things and go. Then where would the investigation be?
My heart stopped what it was doing and focused on Ryan, to see if he’d been feeling these utterly forbidden things as strongly as I had. What was taking him so long? If only my life was as simple as his I’d have admitted everything by now.
Just tell me, Ryan… the things I’ve already done have probably put you out of the reach of the law anyway. You won’t get prosecuted in the end, you’ll be safe. I won’t let them get to you. Just tell me you sell F, that’s all I need for now… say it and we can be together. We can work everything else out later…
“I wasn’t lying about the cosmetics business,” said Ryan.
My heart considered not resuming its work, but then reluctantly started beating, as I dealt with a shrinking feeling that made me try to retract my hands from Ryan’s grasp. He didn’t let go.
“I wasn’t, the company exists and turns a good profit. But,” he took a deep breath and paused for an eternity, licking his lips and eyes looking upwards as if searching his head for the right words. “I don’t even know how to explain this.”
“Just tell me, Ryan… It’s OK…”
“I never tell anybody…”
I squeezed his hand.
“I’m an only child,” he began.
What that had to do with selling drugs, I had no idea, but I didn’t press him any further. I just listened carefully, hoping that was all the encouragement he needed to keep talking.
“Never knew my dad. Apparently he needed a girl who could take a beating a lot better than my mom. It took her finding out about being pregnant with me to work up the courage to get herself out of there and leave the cheating and the hitting behind.”
Ryan shut his eyes, raised his eyebrows and sighed as if he couldn’t believe these words were coming out of his mouth.
“For my whole life, it’s been just her and me. She had to work like a