She’d chosen to call Ezra, to honor the vow she’d made to him.
Life was a blend of choices and not choices, things that we had control over and things we didn’t. Her mom had once told her that it’s not what happens to you but how you respond that determines your path in life. Emily had thought of it then in terms of her mother’s acceptance of her disease, of the honest way she existed while knowing she was going to die—sooner rather than later—and her determination to spend each day she could in the best way possible, no matter what constituted “best” at that time.
But now, Emily realized, it was a philosophy that covered all of life, not just when you’re faced with tragedy. Things happen, and you react, and those reactions determine your path. If she had acted differently back in college, she could be living a different life right now. Maybe in Los Angeles as a working musician, or maybe in a New York suburb, giving piano lessons to kids like she once was. Maybe she and Rob would’ve become stars, traveled the world, bought a house in some place with a romantic-sounding name like Aix-en-Provence and raised four children there off the sales of their albums. Or maybe they would have failed dramatically and ended up in a downward spiral of drugs and depression. There were infinite possibilities.
And infinite possibilities for Tessa, too. And for Ezra. How he would respond to her now, in the future. And for Zoe, asleep in Emily’s arms. There were so many lives that could unfurl ahead of her. So many choices other people would make for her and she would make for herself.
Tessa came out with one of the psych nurses to say good-bye to Zoe for at least a few days. She’d decided to check herself into the hospital. Emily agreed it was the best thing for her and for Zoe. She gave Tessa a hug and left with her mother’s phone number and instructions to call her once it became morning for real. “I don’t want her to have to wake up in the middle of the night to this. I’m here. I’ll be better soon. And you’re keeping Zoe safe. Tell her that.”
Emily said she would and promised again that she wouldn’t let Chris take Zoe, and then she picked up the diaper bag she had hurriedly packed at Tessa’s apartment and headed home. More choices lay ahead for everyone. And more things would happen that nobody chose at all.
xxxii
Ezra and I moved in together today, officially. I know it seems old-fashioned, to wait until after we were married, but between his jobs and my job, and all the things you have to do to plan even the smallest wedding, figuring out our living situation seemed like the last on our list of things to do. We stayed together all the time, sometimes in his place and sometimes in mine, but actually packing up our things, finding a place we both wanted to live in together, as our first home, we did that when we got back from Mexico.
Initially, Ezra wanted me to move into his place because it was bigger than mine and it would be easier than finding a new place to rent until we had enough money for a down payment, but I liked the idea of us starting fresh together, finding someplace that we could decorate however we chose, a mishmash of him and me, an embodiment of us.
So we went hunting for the right place. And Ezra really got into it, the way he does anything he’s planning.
“I highlighted a map yesterday when I was between patients,” he told me, while we were getting ready to visit some open houses. “If we live in this area, we can both walk to work.”
I knew that he wanted to live within thirty minutes of the hospital, so he could be on call and still be home, if he chose. He often preferred to stay in the hospital anyway but liked having the option. It was something his parents had done. One of the things I’ve realized about Ezra is that he seems to see his parents’ choices as gospel—the right way to exist. He spends so much time trying to live up to what he thinks they want, trying to make them proud, trying to be good enough for them. I’m not as sure about his father, but I’m pretty sure his mother would