scrolling through options. She could tell her to go to the ER. She could meet her at the ER. But what if Tessa didn’t go? What if she hung up after that suggestion and Emily never heard from her again? She could call the police, but she didn’t want to put Tessa on hold and risk losing her completely. She knew she wasn’t supposed to do it, but the only choice that felt right was going to Tessa in person. Assessing her when they were face to face. She didn’t care if she was breaking protocol. She was too afraid of what might happen if she didn’t. “Will you tell me where you are? I’m going to come over and help you.” Emily worried Tessa wouldn’t answer. That she’d hang up.
But Tessa gave her address, which wasn’t far. “I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Emily said. “But let’s stay on the phone until I get there. Do you want to tell me what happened today?”
Tessa started telling her about the argument that she and Chris had gotten into the night before, about the fight that continued in the morning, about how he left . . .
As she told the story, she seemed to calm down slightly. Emily jumped in a cab, moistening her thumb and rubbing the mascara from her cheeks and under her eyes, knowing she had to look presentable if she was going to try to counsel Tessa. She got out a few minutes later, still listening to Tessa talk. Still so glad Tessa was talking, that she was on the other side of the phone.
When Emily finally walked into the apartment building, she asked to be buzzed in and went upstairs.
Tessa opened the apartment door and fell into Emily’s arms. “I’m so afraid,” she said, over and over. “I’m so afraid, I’m so afraid I’m going to do something terrible.”
“It’s okay,” Emily told her. “You didn’t do anything terrible, you called me, you did the right thing, and now we’re going to get you help.”
She hugged Tessa close, felt her tears on her shoulder. The irony that Rob had been comforting her not long before wasn’t lost on Emily. Sometimes you were the one who needed support. Sometimes you were the one who gave it. She wondered if, years ago, Dr. West had ever gone through anything in her personal life that she had to push aside for her patients.
“I need help,” Tessa said.
Emily was so glad that she was going to be able to get it for her. That she had been there when Tessa called. That together they’d made it to this point, the point where Tessa was alive in her arms. With all the doubts she’d been feeling, she was glad she had been able to do at least something right.
44
Before Tessa agreed to go to the ER, she wanted Emily to promise that she wouldn’t call Chris and that she wouldn’t let anyone take Zoe except her mother. But Chris still had parental rights. Emily had to call him.
“I’m not going unless you promise,” Tessa said, through tears. “I don’t want him to have her. He didn’t ever want her.”
Emily hesitated. “I promise,” she finally said, holding Tessa close. “I promise. I’ll keep her with me until your mom can make it here.” It wasn’t the right choice to make, but it was the right choice to make for now.
Tessa nodded, her breath shuddering. “Okay,” she said. “Okay.”
And while Tessa was being evaluated by someone from psychiatry, Emily sat with Zoe on her lap, rocking the baby back to sleep when she cried. Emily thought about the choices people make and what those choices lead to down the line. And she thought about the choices that people have thrust upon them. Things that aren’t actually choices at all. Tessa hadn’t chosen for Chris to leave, to have a mind so close to the breaking point that this crisis was the result of that nonchoice.
Emily hadn’t chosen to have a miscarriage, or have a song written about her by an ex-boyfriend, or have Ezra disappear for a few days. But she had chosen to go to Rob’s show, have coffee with him afterward, perform in the showcase, and let him hold her hand as they walked to get pizza. She’d chosen to accept his arms when they offered her comfort. She’d chosen to let his lips meet hers. But she’d also chosen to stop. She’d chosen not to go to his hotel with him.