Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,70

I heard what happened. I’m sorry if he crossed the line with you, Parker. He knows how I feel about that. We discussed it when he got back.”

“No need to apologize, it’s kind of my fault, anyway. I just want him to know how sorry I am for the way I acted.”

“Why don’t you give him a call?”

“I can’t right now. Things didn’t really go down very nicely on my part. I’m sure he doesn’t even want to hear from me, anyway.”

“Look, I’m not going to say I was happy when he told me, but he has been through a lot. He doesn’t think I understand why he is the way he is, but I do. I do the things I do because of the heartache my family has been through. I know he cares deeply for you; I just think he is scared that if he didn’t let you go, you would end up the same as Marie. Give it some time, though, things will work themselves out.”

I sigh. “I don’t think it will. Well, I’ll let you go enjoy your time with your family. Thanks for the chat.”

“You can call anytime, Parker. We’re here for you.”

“Thanks, Andrew. Bye.” I quickly hang up the phone before I get emotional.

My loneliness starts to get the best of me. Nothing seems more depressing than spending the holidays by yourself, alone in a house. There’s no cookies baking in the oven, no Christmas dinner cooking. Not being able to open gifts with your family, hug them, and enjoy the time together. You never really understand how you take all these things for granted.

I make coffee, go back to bed, and sulk the rest of the day away. I start to wonder what my parents are doing, and how they must be handling the holidays. Do they think I’m dead, unable to be happy? I’m constantly inside my head, thinking and reflecting on the choices I’ve made I’m so used to being told that everything that happened was because of me, that I’m incapable of being a good wife. It’s made me think that maybe I’m not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I’m destined to be alone.

My pity party, with me as the guest of honor, continues when plop on the couch and flip on an old black and white Christmas movie, something I could see my family watching together, all of us snuggled on the couch. Times were so much easier back then. I never heard of these battered wives, roles were simple, and families stayed together. I don’t know when things changed in this world, but they didn’t change for the better.

When the movie is over, I grab a dinner out of the freezer to throw in the microwave, not wanting to fuss with cooking for only me. But even the food tastes sad, freezer burnt and bitter as it sits on my tongue. I check my phone, making sure I haven’t missed any calls, and contemplate calling Rig several times. His voice would sooth me. It takes everything I have not to call and apologize. I just don’t think he wants to hear from me right now, if ever.

I have to stay strong and hope this weekend passes by, so I can get back to work and have a distraction, something I can do other than sit here. I’ll have Mindy there, someone I can talk to other than myself. I should really look into getting a dog so I’m not so lonely, but the thought of leaving them alone all day while I’m at work hardly seems fair.

I’ve thought about giving up everything I’ve worked hard for, wondering if going back to California would make things easier, run back to my old hell. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing that is all the effort everyone has put in getting me where I am. I wouldn’t want to let anybody down, but I don’t know if I deserve this. I thought I was ready for it, but I’m not doing so well on my own out here.

I finish up dinner and head back to my little room, consumed in all my thoughts, crying on and off all day. I beg my eyes to close so I can cross off one more day and get closer to being back at work.

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Most people wish for the work day to hurry up and end. I, on the other hand, beg for time to slow