Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,51

coming from? I thought this is what you wanted. If that has changed, please tell me now. I won’t invest any more time into this thing between us,” he clearly states.

“This thing, is that how you describe it? You know, I’m tired, emotionally drained, and I just want to go home, wherever that is.”

“Look, nobody understands more than I do. It’s fine that you are having all these feelings going on, I get it. But if I did something wrong, and that’s why you’re pushing me away, tell me. I can handle it.”

“I told you, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll get over, I just needed a bit of time to myself.” I push for him to listen to me.

“You know I’m here for you, and you can tell me anything. I thought you knew that. Please tell me why you are pushing me away; I want to fix it.” He reaches his hand out to grab mine and his touch makes me so weak.

“There’s nothing you can fix. I’m ok. I promise. Tell me why you came to find me.” I change the subject, because if he knows what kind of stuff goes through my head, it’ll scare him away.

“Ok, if you say so. Well, I got our next plan. We need to leave by tomorrow.” He sounds a little too excited. “Aren’t you going to ask me where we’re going?”

I shrug. “No, I haven’t asked you that for a while. There’s no point in knowing.”

“Well, this time it’s different, this time you are going to want to know.” He teases me, so I play along.

“Where are we going? I’m dying to know.”

“Well, since you’re begging to know . . . it’s the final place in our trip. Your new place!”

The second the words leave his mouth, emotions start crashing into me. My brain tries to grasp this new reality. Just the thought of settling and not keep running has me crying again, completely overwhelmed. This time, though, it’s a mix of happiness and sorrow. If I keep pushing Rig away, I will never get this time back. I might never convince him to stay, even though I already know he never will.

“Why are you crying? This should be something to celebrate: you are going to finally be able to settle and start over again.”

“I’m happy. I just didn’t know this was going to happen so soon. I wasn’t expecting you to tell me this,” I say, still crying as I talk.

“Don’t cry, this is good. You’re going to make it just fine. It’s the fresh start you were desperately trying to get. I’m going to stay with you for a while till I’m certain you are all set up, and good on your own,” he offers, trying to stop my tears.

I’ve never been scared to be on my own. I’ve always been independent and thrive on the challenges life has thrown my way. Somehow through the downfall of my life the past five years, the ability to survive and push through has faded.

I wish I still knew how to pick up the pieces, and make every negative into a positive. I just can’t figure out how to do that. I get sparks of a renewed sense of myself, but as quickly as they crash into me, they get pummeled by a tidal wave of reality as I learn to swim to the top again.

I’m not so much concerned with being financially ok and making it that way; I’m more concerned with my mental stability. How I will ever feel safe enough to let another person into my life? I’ll never have the comfort of calling my parents when I feel like I need guidance. The fact that one phone call could put them in more danger than I could ever imagine makes me uneasy.

I get up from the tree without a word, needing to walk away from the current situation. It’s plaguing me from wanting to move on. Fear is ruling my life at this moment, and I need to get away from Rig. So I walk around the pond. I wish I could stay at this farm and never leave. It has provided me with the perfect blend of relaxation and security, and I’ve never felt so at home before. But all I can see is the day Rig leaves. He’ll leave me alone, in a foreign place, to figure everything out and get back on my feet. Pretending to anyone I come into contact with that