Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,50

pushing Rig away ever since that night, scared I let my heart feel things it’s not supposed to. The deeper my heart falls, the more I realize how much I’m in over my head.

Never once did I ever feel this way about Steven. It’s so completely different and foreign. My heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest when Rig’s near me, and the only thing that matters is that we are together. I feel invincible. Which normally would be a good thing, but now it only makes the confusion between my heart and head worse.

I’m still married, not happily, or by choice, and a part of me thinks how wrong this is, and how inappropriate I’m acting. So I push back more. Confliction rules my life, and I only want to face easy challenges. I want to live in some fairy tale where nothing but rainbows and sunshine exists. Sadly, that’s not my reality. My reality is to be oblivious to my feelings, stay running for my life, not have an opinion about anything, and deal with the life shattering blows as if they’re nothing. And move on.

So to protect myself. I stay away, sending mixed signals, making Rig feel as if he did something wrong. Rig would ever hurt me, physically or mentally. I’m the one who makes up perfect scenarios in my head, and when the outcome doesn’t suit what I want, I will be let down. How do I continue to let my feelings get stronger knowing he is leaving? The only thing I can do is figure out if I want to live in the moment, or make decisions based on my future. Neither option appeals to me.

So I hide out under my willow tree, shielded by the tall grass in the meadow, hoping to keep my distance long enough so I can figure out my own insecurities. It gets hotter each day, and the lake screams for me to jump in and cool off. The problem with that is once my toes touch the water, I’m brought back to the night my heart and soul fell in love with Rig.

Just one touch from him made my life that much more difficult. How wrong it is to fall in love with someone who has already told me he won’t give me any more than the limited time we have together. I don’t know how I’m going to give up my protector, the one person risking his life to save mine. He’s the one person who now unknowingly owns my heart, because he made it beat again when I thought it wasn’t possible.

Leaning my head back against the tree, I close my eyes, begging for a sign or an answer to my problems. Months of frustration I’ve bottled up and pushed aside, leaves me fragile and weak. My eyes sting with fresh tears. Knowing I’m alone out here makes it ok for me to be vulnerable, and I do nothing to wipe the tears away. Like a cleansing rain, I let them go, hoping they’ll wash away the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.

With every step forward, I take two back, never getting to the finish line. I want this to be over once and for all.

Crunching of leaves lets me know someone is behind me, most likely Rig. I frantically wipe them away like they weren’t there.

“What are you doing out here?” Rig asks.

“Just hanging out, nothing much.” I clear my throat, not sounding very convincing.

He walks around the tree and stands before me, refusing to leave me to wallow. Rig crouches down to eye level and searches my face.

“Why are you crying?” he asks flat-out.

“I’m not, I’m fine,” I lie.

“Your eyes are red, and your cheeks are tear-stained. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Not really.”

“Well, if that’s how you want it to be, I’ll just sit here and wait it out with you. I’ll tell you the reason I came looking for you later.” He sits down next to me, making good on his plan.

“Why don’t you tell me what you needed to so you can head back in and not be out in this heat?”

“What has changed? Because I’m starting to get very confused. I thought things between us were good, but you’re pushing me away. What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything. If anything, you have been nothing but nice and helpful.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Nice, I’ve been nice? Where the hell is this