yourself out I know a guy with a cutting torch, but that’s going to make a mess of your flying-in-the-sky-thing. Did you really come here from another world in that heap of shit, by the way? You must be brave as two short planks where you come from.
You can hear me.
Well, yes. Oh, and why don’t you take that stupid hat off? You’ll be far more comfortable.
I can’t. I need it to –
Bull. The atmosphere here is 78 per cent nitrogen, 19 per cent oxygen and some other stuff. I’m not a zoologist, but your brain says you should be fine with that.
How do you—?
When I said take the helmet off, a chemical analysis of your home atmosphere flashed across your subconscious mind. I compared it with the local stuff, and it looks like it’s basically OK. Therefore losing the goldfish bowl should be no big deal, and then we can have a civilised conversation. How about it?
Yes, but—
Also, those other aliens that look like you can breathe our air just fine.
The sun chose that moment to rise, flooding the desert with red light the precise colour of strawberry jam. It was probably just a coincidence.
What other aliens?
The ones that look just like you.
Theo hesitated; then he fumbled for the catches of his helmet. In the end, the alien had to help him. That’s better, isn’t it? said its voice in his head, as he breathed in a lungful of air that tasted overpoweringly of soap, with a hint of maple syrup. It also made his head swim slightly, like whisky on an empty stomach. Now you can have a G’ntyhtruhjty cake.
A what?
The alien pulled its face off; or, rather, it lifted a tubular flap of skin up over its head, to reveal a sort of compartment, inside which was what looked very much like a doughnut, except that it was green. It lifted the doughnut out and put it on one of its stick-insect fingers, like a grossly oversized ring. Then it pulled the flap down again. A G’ntyhtruhjty cake. We offer them to guests as a token of friendship and hospitality.
Ah.
Refusing to accept a G’ntyhtruhjty cake is a mortal insult that can only be avenged through the complete annihilation of the offender’s tribe, or in your case, species, the voice pointed out. Go on, you don’t actually have to eat it. Stick it down your jumper and have it later.
There were no pockets in the space suit, so Theo hooked it over a projecting toggle on his chest. Thanks, he thought.
Don’t mention it. Well, I guess you’ll be wanting me to take you to our leader.
Not really, no.
Oh. You sure? He’s not that bad once you get to know him.
I’m sure he’s very busy, and I wouldn’t want to be a nuisance. No, I’m rather more interested in the other aliens you mentioned.
Really?
Yes.
The alien scratched the top of its head with eighteen fingers. Let me get this straight. You came all this way in that bizarre contraption just to talk to a couple of your own kind.
Yes.
You don’t want a guided tour of the therion reactors, or a trip along the Hanging Canyons of Foom?
Later, perhaps. First, though, I’d quite like to see these two aliens. How many of them are there, by the way?
Two. A tall one and a very tall one.
The alien was maybe four feet, so that wasn’t much help.
Did they happen to mention their names?
Long pause. What’s a name?
Fine. Could you just tell me where I can find them, please?
No. But I can take you to them, if that’d be any use.
That’d be fine, thank you, he thought fervently; and the alien pulled open its shoulder (this time it wasn’t quite so bad) and took out a little green box. It pressed a couple of buttons, and a panel on the box slid open. From it, the alien took a tiny little plant in a tiny little flowerpot, and a tiny little bottle, the contents of which it poured over the plant.
Won’t take a moment, the alien said.
The plant started to grow. Ten seconds later, it was about the size of a mature apple tree. Two more seconds, and Theo hurt his neck looking up at it.
A bit slow today, sorry about that.
Under his feet, Theo could feel the tree’s roots disturbing the ground as they forced their way down. Meanwhile, enormous blossoms formed on the tree’s lower branches. The petals fell away, revealing long bean-shaped pods, which lengthened and swelled until they were