screwed up. I wanted to go in there so badly, to see her and smell her and hold her again, even though it had been only a few hours since we were last together. It was like I needed her. But at the same time, the idea of going in there and asking her to leave with me and help do what she’d already done for me once before—well, it made me sick, to be honest. I mean, tonight was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be our night, and now it was ruined. Everything was ruined.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask her to help me. In fact, the more I sat there thinking about things, the more I realized I couldn’t ask anything of her, no matter how much she might want me to. I couldn’t put her through the awfulness that lay ahead of me, that would always be there. I mean, she didn’t deserve it. And on top of all that, what would I do if another sheganger came calling?
I looked back at the house. Television light flickered from the living room windows. I knew I had to go in there. Not to ask her to help me, but to say good-bye.
I forced myself out of the car, went to the door, and knocked.
Amber didn’t say anything when she saw me, but I could see her eyes widen as she opened the door. For a second I was afraid I’d lost Chris and reached up and felt my face. Everything seemed to be in place, no monster eyes that I could tell. Then I realized it wasn’t fear on her face, just worry for the pale, trembling wreck standing there in front of her.
She pulled me inside and shut the door. Before I could say a word, she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into a long, deep kiss. It was the first time we’d kissed since she discovered who I really was, and maybe that was why this time I didn’t feel afraid. This time I felt like it was for real. At that moment it seemed to be the only thing that was real.
At last she released me, and as we stepped back and looked into each other’s eyes, I discovered I’d stopped shaking. All of a sudden, I felt real still inside and free, like I’d suddenly escaped.
“I’m glad you’re here,” she said, putting her head against my chest.
“Me too,” I said. “I’m sorry I’m late.”
“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Like you said this afternoon, we can worry about things later. Tonight we can forget.”
I didn’t know if she was saying it for me or for herself, but it didn’t matter. At that point, I couldn’t have told her about what had happened with the sheganger anyway, let alone say what I’d come to say. Not after the kiss. I mean, she was asking me to join her in a place I’d always wanted to go, a place where everything was normal, where the truth didn’t matter or maybe even exist. I just couldn’t say no. I would forget about all of it for her.
For a while we just lay together on the couch in the living room watching TV, like we were just another couple, like it was any old night. Except that I wasn’t really watching. I was too busy caressing her arm, her hair, taking in her scent. I wanted to take in all of her, to breathe it all in and hold it so that it would never leave me.
Then she asked me to come upstairs with her, and I did.
I had been nervous before about the idea of sex, and on the way up the stairs the feeling came right back, even more so since the sheganger had gotten me all stirred up. But when the moment actually came, the nervousness went away. Amber helped me through. It was tender, gentle—I don’t know, it just felt right. After all the killings, after all that had happened with Barry and everyone else, this was as far away from that as you could get. And for the first time, being with her, being a part of her, I forgot about the monster that I was. I felt human to the core, not just on the surface. I remember wishing I could stay that way forever.
Afterward I held her in my arms. We didn’t say much. It was like we both felt