Let's sit down first."
She shook off his hand. "Fine time to think of that. It's a wonder I didn't fall flat on my face." But the familiar messiness of the family room beckoned, and she escaped to the haven it offered, wrapping herself in the throw as she hit the sofa. Remembering that the last time they'd had a heated discussion in here, he'd kicked shoes like footballs, she braced herself. "Explain."
Setting the baby seat on the table, Axell paced the room, straightening picture frames and knickknacks. "Just because a man is a lousy father, doesn't mean you can't love him. Stephen's young and good-looking and from what he says, he probably has an exciting future ahead of him, a much more exciting one than I can offer."
Maya thought if she had the energy, she'd laugh. "You think I crave excitement? If I want excitement, I've got collapsing buildings and road condemnations and Matty's social worker and my sister for excitement. Stephen's brand doesn't begin to compare."
She saw Axell's mouth tighten in disbelief, but she didn't have the power to drive his doubts away. They didn't have that kind of relationship.
"I know I pushed you into this marriage at a time you were vulnerable and didn't have a lot of options," he insisted. "I thought two intelligent people could work it out. But I know women don't think like I do, that they want things I can't always give, and I don't want to be the cause of your unhappiness. If you want out, better say it now, before our lives get any more entangled and the kids get hurt too badly."
Maya shivered inside. She'd been shoved aside so often in her life, she knew when it was time to pack up and leave. Had it just been her, she would be out the door right now. But she had the kids to think of, and she knew damned well that kids didn't need to be shoved from pillar to post like so much furniture. For them, she would learn to dig in and hold her ground.
If she fought him, would she drive him away even faster?
Uncertainty swamped her. Since the age of ten she'd been misunderstood, unloved, unwanted...
Was it too much to ask for just one person to see that she was perfectly rational and capable of doing the right thing? What the hell did he think she would do, hop Stephen's concert bus with infant in arms and play groupie?
She was afraid to look at him, afraid to see disapproval in the eyes of a man she'd come to respect and rely on. She'd hoped... But she knew all about the uselessness of hope.
"Unless you're telling me that you're tired of my problems and want me gone, I'm not going anywhere, Axell." She might as well throw down the oars and start bailing. "You knew I was a disaster waiting to happen when we married. Are you chickening out at the first rough spot in the road?"
He stiffened, and crumpled the discarded newspaper in his hand. "I'm not chickening out of anything. I just don't want you running off in the middle of the night, leaving Constance brokenhearted."
If she wasn't feeling so battered, she'd slide into his arms and kiss him. This wasn't about her! This was about his late wife, Angela, and maybe his parents, and all the other people in his life who'd left him. Relief overwhelmed her, and she had to fight back a smile as she reassured him instead of the other way around. "There's no thunderstorm and no sports car in the garage to kill me. I think I'd like a gardenia bush outside that bay window. Can I order gardenia bushes planted? Or do I have to dig the hole myself?"
Axell stared at her as he slowly processed her leaps of logic, blinked, then shoved his hand across his hair, and shook his head. "I'll dig the hole. Just tell me where you want it." His hands relaxed their tense grip on the newspaper as he watched her quizzically. "You really are planning to stay, aren't you?"
Maya beamed and reached over to pat his arm. "I like men with both feet on the ground who know how to deliver babies."
"Even if I am as boring as yesterday's news and not the latest rock singing sensation?"
"Stevie can write lullabies," she answered dryly, climbing to her feet with his assistance. "But you'll be there to rock the cradle. Don't ever underestimate me like that