shouldn’t look back, but I do. It hurts so goddamn bad, I don’t know if I can take it. I have to cut this off. She’ll come back every day, I know she will. I can’t have that. Maybe a small part of me wants to hold onto her for a few more seconds, just to really torture myself. So I can see her face just once more. Not remember the way she looked when she was in love with me, but the way she’ll look at me now.
“Just give me a second.”
The guard nods and releases my arm.
I walk over and Mary has the phone up to her ear, and her face morphs into a smile as I walk over, like she’s won me over.
It makes what I have to do even worse. I hate this. It’s fucking agonizing seeing her still clinging to the idea of “us” right now. There can’t be an “us.” It’s not possible. I won’t put her through that.
I pick up the phone, grinding my teeth, and growl, “Go. Away.”
Tears flood her eyes as soon as I say it, but she shakes her head. “I know everything. I don’t care. I want you. I don’t care what your name is or what you’ve done, we can go through it together, Dominic. Just let me help you.”
I wince the second she says my name, and I shake my head. I have to get her out of here, cut her loose. Why does she make me keep doing this? Doesn’t she know I want nothing more than for this to all go away, for us to be together? I’d do anything. But this is real life. I have to be an adult, not live in a fantasy. I’ve been doing that shit for fifteen years, knowing this was waiting for me.
Get her out of here before you destroy her. Just cut it off.
This is going to hurt her right now, but it’s for the better, long term. She can’t be with a criminal, a felon who’s locked up in prison.
I look at the ground, doing everything I can to stay focused on what I have to do. Slowly, I bring my eyes up to meet hers and it’s even worse than I anticipated.
She has hope on her face, and I have to grind my heel into it to make it go away.
My whole body shakes and I can’t control it, but I manage to stare into her tearful eyes and say, “I never want to see you again.” I stand up and walk to the guard. I can’t look back. It’ll break me, seeing what I just did to her. I shouldn’t have turned around the first time.
Once we’re around the corner, I can’t breathe. “C-can I have a second?” I ask the guard, panting uncontrollably.
He nods. “You okay?”
I nod back, but I can’t stop hyperventilating. Tears run down my cheeks and I don’t give a shit who sees it. I can’t believe I just did that, but what else could I do? She needs to forget about me. Why can’t she get that through her head? I’m a nobody. I’m not good for anyone. I’m fucking broken, and all I’m going to do is break her too.
It was stupid to think I could be with her to begin with. I knew better. She’s good and I’m not. This was destined to happen.
It’s just like my dad said, this is who I’ll always be, no matter how hard I try to escape it.
We are who we are.
Mary Patrick
I’m pretty sure the events of the last few days have changed me as a person. I don’t even know who I am right now. Love makes us do some really crazy things. It’s turning me into someone I almost don’t recognize, but I don’t care. I’m not going to let Rick throw his life away.
Yes, he crushed me when I tried to see him at the jail, but I understood it, and it didn’t hurt me nearly as bad as it did in the street, when I was wandering around clueless. He’s going to realize soon enough I’ll fight for him because that’s what you do for people you care about. I don’t care about his past, or how messed up he thinks he is. The sky is falling for him right now, and he’s confused and hurt and trying to shield me from all that.
Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do