much I love her every time I’m near her, in the way I act, in the way I kiss, so the second I’m gone she remembers it until I’m with her again.
Once our lips part, that permanent smile is affixed to her face and my work here is done. My heart is full.
She walks through her door and all I can think is…Mary Patrick is mine. She’s fucking mine.
The only one who can screw it up now, is me.
Mary Patrick
I don’t know if I’ve ever danced around and sang while I cleaned my apartment, but it’s happening right now. My heart is a hundred percent all in with Rick, and my brain is a catastrophe of epic proportions. I have to constantly remind myself we’ve only been on two dates and slept together once. It’s so much more than that, though. At the same time, I have to remind my brain it’s not enough time for him to fully open up to me. I feel bad pushing him on it, but at the same time, we’ve already been through so much. It’s like we’ve been a couple forever. How did he do that to me?
I know there are things there, though. Every time I bring up his past he deflects, and he’s a master of deflection. I know he’s crazy about me. That part isn’t really up for discussion. The man obsessed over me for seven months, without so much as a sigh of irritation as I turned him down over and over.
I take a few steps around the kitchen and I can still feel him inside me. The thought sends an amazing shiver through me.
The constant ache between my legs reminds me of everything we did last night. I think the scariest part is I thought my conscience would kick in today. I thought I’d regret every second of it, and feel like an awful person, or a sinner, something—but I don’t. I don’t feel bad about it at all, and not feeling bad, is making me feel bad.
As I said, crazy brain. What has he turned me into? Maybe I need to slow things down, but I don’t want to. The man heard about my favorite movie in the morning, and reenacted the whole thing within hours, including a limo driver and a private shopping spree. I don’t know how much the dress cost, but it had to be more than my rent. Who even does that?
Every time I think about it, I swoon so hard. Then, I think about the things Wells Covington said, the stuff at work, how I’m being thrown in the middle, lying to Decker, Rick avoiding questions about his past. Rick was honest with me about his faith, but there’s something about his childhood he’s hiding because he doesn’t want to lie to me. That’s what I’m guessing. It all makes me sick to my stomach.
The feelings are so strong between us, and what if something severs that? If it happened today, it’d be messy. What happens if we go down this road, and develop things further, and something catastrophic happens? It might destroy both of us.
Right when I’ve gone from feeling on top of the world to the worst person in the world, I remember I still have to go back to church to do some volunteer work tonight. I glance at my phone and think about telling Jeremiah I need the night off, but there’s no way I can do that. It’s not me. I’m not going to let my personal life affect others who count on me.
Nope. I’ll go.
As usual, things always seem worse in my mind than they end up being. I actually feel better once I walk into church. I think that’s one of the things that has always drawn me to my faith. I know it’s not supposed to be all about me, but I just feel right when I’m here. Strangely, that unquantifiable feeling I get when I’m here, I also get with Rick.
I do some filing and clerical work, organizing things for Jeremiah, and before I know it an hour has passed. I finish up fifteen minutes early and walk into the sanctuary. There’s a giant wooden cross on the wall to the side of the stage, and I walk up to the altar.
Prayer has always been my best remedy when I’m confused. It feels so wrong, bringing all this to God, after what I did last night. It shouldn’t keep me from Him. I