kisses me back. No judgment, no shame because of who I am or what people might think. I didn’t think I could love her more, but I find out every day I’m wrong about that too.
We start down the street, in no direction in particular, just caught up in each other, in whatever this is between us.
Mary looks deep in thought when I glance over at her.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You have your thinking face on.”
She gives me the look like I just busted her. “A lot of things. What happens next? What are we? Where does it end up?”
I hadn’t really been thinking about any of those things. I’ve been totally in the present, not looking forward or back. Maybe I’ve pushed some of those thoughts from my mind because when I walk that path it ends up with me having to tell her things, things that most likely will scare her away.
You have to be honest with her.
I know what I need to do, and I need to do it soon. I should’ve told her before last night happened. That would’ve been the right thing, but I just couldn’t. I had to know what it was like to have her at least once, know what it was like to have her be mine for one night.
“You’re so pragmatic.”
“If I was pragmatic, I would not have stayed the night with you last night.”
“You make a valid point.” I laugh.
We pass Millennium Park and keep walking.
Mary stops and turns to me. “I’m not demanding information like that right now. I’m enjoying myself.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, and at the same time it’s not what I want. I want to be all in with her, not some fun little fling. I want to be hers as much as she’s mine.
Her face tightens a little, and she stiffens. She’s not nervous. It’s a serious look, as if she’s going to make a demand. “I know there are things you’re holding back, and I’m sure you have good reasons. But I still want to discuss it and make sure you’ve dealt with it in a healthy manner.” There’s no hint of doubt in her voice.
She’s pushing so hard, letting me know it’s all or nothing with her. I can’t have one foot in and one foot out. The thought sends a damn chill up my spine, for reasons previously mentioned, but I do what any man does. Reserve that problem for future Rick. Current Rick just wants to be happy and live in the present.
I have no problem committing to Mary. I’d do it right now if I knew for a fact she’d accept me for who I am. Right now, she could still cut ties. She’s not as invested as I am, yet. She doesn’t know that telling her everything, would mean I would lose her.
“I know.” A pang racks my stomach the second I say it.
We walk for a while, making idle chit chat, but something feels off. She knows more than she’s letting on. The Wells Covington shit looms in the back of my mind. If he knows secrets about me, he definitely didn’t tell her. She wouldn’t have spent the night with me. I just know she wouldn’t have. She would’ve been nice about it, of course, because she’s a kind person. There would’ve been offers of help, and then she’d fade out of my life slowly, little by little.
We finally end up in front of the door to Mary’s apartment.
I take both of her hands in mine. “I’m going to say something that sounds really cliché, and you have to promise not to make fun of me.”
She shakes her head, grinning. “I don’t know if I can do that without knowing what it is first.”
I laugh. “Fair enough.” I look her in the eye.
“I do like cheesy and cliché sometimes, though. So hit me with it, Lawrence.”
“Last night was the best night of my life.” I feel like a pussy the second I say it, but it’s the truth. It really is, and I don’t care how I look when I say it. I want her to know everything I feel about her, every thought, every hope.
Her eyes flutter up to mine, and she nods. “Same. And it wasn’t lame. It was sweet.”
Before she can say anything else, I pull her to me by her hips and kiss her, right on the lips. I need to give her a reminder, show her how