Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,103

its way over to me.

‘Hello,’ Keith said.

‘Hello.’

‘It’s good to see you.’

‘You too.’

‘You’re looking well.’

He was lying. I knew I looked wretched. ‘Thank you. You too.’

He explained that his company sponsored the party every year because they sent a lot of their employees on the course. It hadn’t occurred to me that it might be odd that he was there.

‘The course is very good,’ he said. ‘You should enjoy it.’

‘I’m looking forward to it.’

‘Kate… are you… ?’

‘What?’

‘Are you… did you… ahm… ?’

‘I’m not with Mike, if that’s what you’re asking.’

‘Oh.’

‘It’s too complicated.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You know… if you ever need anything…’

‘Oh, Keith, you’ve always been far too good to me. And I’ve been nothing but trouble for you.’

‘Maybe,’ he said, ‘but it’s been a pleasure.’

He kissed my cheek and left. His appearance had been like a mirage – our whole relationship had been like a mirage. I was beginning to fear that the rest of my life would be no more substantial.

18

I had been sitting in my flat one evening towards the end of September, watching rain fall on the street below, light but persistent; the halo round the street-lamp was dense with tiny, almost invisible droplets. I had been doing my best to fill my days with college and my evenings with work. Everything was an effort, and I was tired. I was training myself not to think about Mike but I wasn’t succeeding. He was everywhere. I had been avoiding the family mainly because word was out about Keith but also because I didn’t want to risk hearing anything about Mike, even by accident. I didn’t know how I was going to get over him.

The buzzer sounded. For a moment it didn’t register with me. It was ages since someone had called to the flat.

It was his voice. He said, ‘Is it OK if I come up?’

I didn’t answer, just buzzed him in.

I opened the door and stood there, waiting. Then I closed it, but immediately opened it again, and he was on the threshold, rain-spattered and out of breath.

He said nothing. I said nothing. He smiled. His gorgeous familiar smile. I smiled back. All the tension and sadness of the preceding weeks disappeared. Then he kissed me. As his lips moved over my face, down my neck, as his hands travelled across my breasts and down my back he said, ‘I love you, I love you.’ He buried his face in my neck. ‘Tell me to go away,’ he said. ‘Tell me to go and I will. But tell me soon, because I won’t be able to stop.’

I didn’t tell him to go away. I nudged the door closed with my foot and guided him in. Then he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. That first time was almost painfully intense; I felt like a virgin again, which was a miracle, given how far from that state I had travelled.

But the second was slow and tender and divinely passionate. He touched me so gently, all the time saying my name and kissing me.

Later we fell asleep, but when we woke I was full of questions. I wanted to know when he’d first realized he was attracted to me and how he’d managed to hide it so well. I still couldn’t believe it – all those years of amiable affection, and all the time he’d wanted to do what he had just done tonight.

‘You have to let me get my breath back,’ he said. ‘I’m not as young as I used to be.’

‘Rubbish,’ I said. ‘You’re the best I’ve had in years!’

He turned on to his side. ‘I’ve never felt like that before.’

‘Well, good,’ I said.

He laughed.

‘You have totally blown my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.’

‘Oh – I hope I haven’t broken you! I was hoping to have another go.’

He wrapped his arms round me and swept me off the bed on to the floor. ‘Seriously,’ he said, emerging momentarily for air. ‘It’s not just about sex – you do know that, don’t you?’

‘Of course,’ I said smiling broadly, ‘I love you like I never believed it was possible. I adore every inch of you, and it’s the purest feeling I have ever had.’

I wanted to know how, with his scruples, he had managed to kiss me so ardently that night in the garden.

‘I think I’d totally lost my reason by then. For so long I’d resisted you, but when Jean left and basically told me to go out and bang any woman