Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,102

have to leave. Mr Delahunty and I have a little bit of business, isn’t that right?’ she said, smiling at Dad. She held the door and waited for us to leave.

Outside in the corridor we were unsure what to say, what to do with our hands, where to look. I wanted him so badly.

‘I didn’t think anybody would be here,’ he said.

‘Usually there wouldn’t.’

‘He’s looking well.’

‘Yeah. It wasn’t a heart-attack or anything. He should be going home in a few days.’

‘You must be starting college soon?’ As he spoke a slight tremor was evident in his clean-shaven jaw.

‘Today.’

‘Oh! Good luck.’

‘Thanks.’

There was nothing more to say. I let my head droop and felt sadness ooze out of every pore.

‘Kate…’

‘Yes?’

‘Kate… I…’

Just then the nurse barged out of Dad’s room and announced that we could go back in. Mike said no more. I watched him walk down the hallway, swerving to avoid an old man with a walking frame. I went back to Dad and burst into tears.

It wasn’t my intention to erupt like that but there was no avoiding it. The tears came fast and hard. I hadn’t cried like that since I was a child, hadn’t felt anything so intensely since I was too young to know what it meant.

Dad, needless to say, was quite alarmed and I was all too aware that he was in hospital to avoid upsets. A hysterical daughter crying all over his sheets was not on the list of recommended activities. But he did what he has always done: he put his arms round me and held me until my body stopped heaving.

‘It’s all right, love,’ he was saying. ‘It’ll be all right.’

‘I know, Dad. I’m being silly. I’m fine now.’

‘What is it? Is it Keith? Your mother told me.’

It hadn’t dawned on me that Mum would tell him, but I was glad she had. I could never have found the words to explain to him that I’d ruined things yet again. ‘Oh, Dad,’ I said, ‘I’ve made an awful mess of everything.’

‘It’s all right, love. If you say it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right.’

‘Thanks, Dad.’

‘It’ll all work out in time.’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you a shock.’

‘Oh, I’m fine. There’s little fear of me.’

In fact, he did look much like his old self: his colour was back and the brightness restored to his eyes.

‘So, what were you and Mike talking about?’ I asked.

‘Oh, I was telling him some stories from the old days. He appreciates a good story. He was good to come in.’

‘He knew you’d like to see him.’

‘I’m glad he hasn’t let this nonsense with Jean get in the way.’

I realized I wasn’t up to talking about him. ‘So,’ I said, I’d better head off to college.’

‘That’s great, love. You have a good time. Remember, you can do anything you want to do.’

‘Thanks, Dad.’

Suddenly I wanted to go home and bury myself under the covers. It was getting harder every day. I contemplated rushing over to Mike’s office and throwing myself at his feet. Surely he’d give in. I imagined parking myself outside his front door and refusing to leave until he agreed to have me. And I replayed, over and over, his kiss, torturing myself. How could he kiss me like that and then throw me away?

Instead I plugged in my new laptop (my family’s present to me for my thirtieth birthday – Mum had heard a piece on the radio about modern students having to have one; it was her way of showing support for what I was doing) and set up a new email account for myself. Then I gathered up my documentation and took the bus to college.

The day passed in a blur. I signed forms, listened to talks, drank coffee and met loads of new people, most of whom seemed quite nice, but I remained on the edge of things. I followed a group outside for a smoke but I didn’t even light up. I’d lost my taste for cigarettes – even the smell made me feel sick. But I wanted to make college work because, deep down, I knew that it was the only thing that would keep me sane in the months ahead.

I was tempted to go home early and skip the get-together but in the end it was easier to allow myself to be dragged along. I was in the middle of a group trading academic histories when a familiar face appeared on the other side of the room. It smiled and made