at the girl, Tasha, not seeing the differences between her and Katie but all of the similarities in the way she smiled at Brenna and hung on every word.
An invisible hand wrapped around my chest and squeezed. I couldn’t breathe. I could only feel the anguish of what I’d done. It ripped at me, shredding my reason.
“Shut up,” I whispered, staggering a step away from Angel.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Shut up!” I screamed and covered my ears. Everything was crumbling apart. Fire lit my insides, burning with a certainty that we were all dead like Katie. We just hadn’t figured it out yet. The fey had trapped us in these flimsy tin walls, like cattle in a pen. We were infected food, waiting to happen.
Katie’s screams filled my ears. Again and again, she called my name. I could feel the bites on my arms…on her arms. Panting, I wheeled around, looking for her.
“Hannah, stop.”
I turned toward the voice. It wasn’t Katie. It was him. Merdon. He did this to me.
“I hate you. I hate you for making me do this. I don’t want to feel. Why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Never.”
I crouched automatically, not even realizing what I was doing. He shadowed the move a moment before I flew at him. I used everything. Teeth and nails on his skin whenever I managed to get close enough; fists and elbows planted in anything relatively soft. I kicked and I clawed and I didn’t stop. I fought wildly for the freedom I needed. Freedom from the memories, the pain, and the guilt.
Time blurred. My side began to ache. My limbs started to shake. Fatigue slowed me but didn’t cool my anger. I’d been fine before Merdon’s self-imposed house arrest. Everything had been numb.
“I want it back,” I yelled at him.
“No.”
He shifted around me, trying to avoid me and making me work even harder to reach him. I remained focused until my legs gave out. The feel of my knees hitting the ground jarred me from my spiral enough to notice the people around me.
Thallirin had an arm protectively wrapped around Brenna, who was scowling at Merdon. When she met my gaze, I saw understanding I didn’t need or deserve. I looked away and found the girl’s shocked expression spoke volumes as did the sudden pallor to her caramel skin. Angel watched me with pity. Shax’s expression echoed her own.
It was too much.
I bowed my head in defeat, understanding that I’d never be free from the fey or what I’d done.
Merdon came to me, grabbed an arm, and tossed me over his shoulder. I accepted the position in limp silence.
“I’m sorry, Merdon,” Thallirin said.
“We cannot change the choices we’ve made; we can only learn to live with them. I must go.”
Live with the choice he made in picking me? The broken, human female of Tolerance who was too mean for anyone else to want. Maybe I wasn’t his choice. Maybe he’d gotten stuck with me by default.
My soul died further as he strode away with me over his shoulder. My heaving breaths turned into racking sobs before he reached the house.
“What happened?” Emily asked.
“It’s nothing.”
He set me down and grabbed my chin, forcing my attention to his angry face.
“Are you done, or do you need the basement?”
I swallowed hard, ignoring the snot running from my nose.
“I’m done.”
“Good. Go upstairs and shower.”
I nodded and shuffled upstairs. The bathroom mirror reflected my tear-streaked face and brought on a fresh round of pain and crying. Sniffling, I stripped and turned on the water. I tried not to think. It was easier to just function. Autopilot wasn’t enough to stop the tears, though.
The shower had just warmed on my skin when Merdon walked in and looked at me through the glass.
“Why are you still crying?”
“I don’t know how to stop. Did they make you pick me? Is that why Thallirin said he’s sorry? Are you stuck with me?”
He stared at me through the glass for a long moment, his expression impossible to read.
“No, no one forced me to pick you.”
The tears slowed.
“Thallirin was apologizing for the things he did lifetimes ago,” he continued.
“What did he do?”
“After Oelm died, guilt consumed Thallirin. He sought to end his life. I stayed with him, watching him, keeping him alive. He fought me, and eventually, he forgave me for robbing him of the peace he sought.”
Thallirin had been like me.
“Dry off. Get dressed. Mary and James invited us to eat with them. You need rest.”