She nodded and wiped at her nose with the back of her hand.
“Fine. I’m just really happy. Do you want anything else?”
I looked down at the plate and shook my head while trying not to feel more guilt. I wasn’t stupid. I understood her tears.
“Was I really that bad?” I asked.
“There was a stretch where you didn’t eat anything for two days. That was before you tried jumping from the roof.”
I mentally cringed away from what she said, but she noticed.
“We don’t have to talk about it. You’re doing better, and that’s all that matters.”
But was I? The dreams were still there, and if Emily set a bottle of whiskey on the counter, I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to resist it. That desire to numb all the pain and worry was seductively tempting.
“Thanks for making breakfast,” I said, unable to dwell on what I’d done or how I’d behaved.
“Any time,” she said. “Seriously. If you’re hungry for anything, just say the word. You know I like cooking, and I wouldn’t mind the practice before Mary and I start making fancy meals for other people.”
“How soon is that going to start up?” I asked. “You were at Mary’s a long time yesterday.”
Emily’s face lit up, and she animatedly went on about the test dinner they made for James and what all still needs to happen before the real dinner.
“The trip to Tenacity went fine, but I really need to get back there to confirm and reassure.”
“With all these supplies, you should bake something to take with you. You know, like cookies or something that’s a little extra to show that they’d be well-fed if they agree to it.”
“That’s a perfect idea. Let me know if you want to tag along,” she said, already reaching for the cookbook she kept on the counter. She froze mid-reach and looked at me guiltily.
“Forget that I said that. I mean, I know you’re busy and …”
A flush crept into her cheeks.
“You’re worried that I’d find something to drink if I went with you.”
The flush deepened.
“As if Merdon would let me out of his sight,” I said bitterly. “Don’t worry about it. Go talk to people. I’ll be here.” I finished my last bite, impressed that I’d packed it in so quickly. “I gotta go meet up with Brenna and Angel. Thanks again for breakfast. It was good.”
She smiled and watched me leave.
Outside, I paused for a moment and lifted my face to the sun. Without the wind, it actually felt warm. I soaked it up and tried not to resent Emily’s freedom. After all, Merdon wasn’t following me now. And while I might not be able to leave Tolerance, I could still do what I wanted.
A smile tugged at my lips as I thought of today’s goal.
Content for the moment, I started out. When I happened to see a fey, I smiled and waved. They waved back, and things felt normal, but a better version of normal. I was on my way to learn how to shoot arrows at some dicks. Hopefully, with Merdon watching. That was way better than baking cookies or hitching a ride to Tenacity.
Brenna and Angel were already waiting for me by the melted mound of dildos. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen the deformed pile of colorful plastics. I still couldn’t get over how many it must have taken to make the waist-high heap. It was a miracle Eden was still with Ghua.
“Hey, Hannah,” Angel said brightly when she saw me. “You ready to shoot some dicks?”
“So ready,” I answered.
I glanced around and noted the area was spectator free. Including the top of the nearby wall.
“It’s a little quiet, isn’t it?” I asked.
Brenna snorted. “You know how word spreads. Once the fey found out what we were going to do, they ghosted.”
“Shax didn’t even want to come with,” Angel said with a grin. “And I can usually talk him into anything.”
Yep, still awkward.
“Merdon and Thallirin were talking in hushed tones in the kitchen this morning,” Brenna said. “Merdon warned the others that you were angry at all the fey and were learning to shoot an arrow at fake human penises.”
“You must have died laughing,” Angel said.
“No, I was more curious why Hannah would be mad at all the fey. Thallirin wasn’t very forthcoming.”
I didn’t know Brenna well, only that she was about my age and tended to be pretty serious. The solemn expression on her face and her tone of voice confirmed that assessment.