because I was his new reason to keep going. Lifting my gaze to meet his, I felt myself melt a little further for the man.
“It’s yours,” he said, still holding it out. “And there are more animals where this one was. We couldn’t carry them all, but we will get them for you.”
“I’d trade my candy for a cat,” I heard Tasha whisper.
I looked at the young girl.
“You can have mine,” I said.
Her mouth dropped open. She looked equal parts excited and guilty.
“Every kid needs a pet,” I said, assuring her. Then I looked at Merdon. “I’m having all the feelings right now because of this gift, but I can’t accept it. I’m allergic to that kind of animal. Like throat-closing, red, watery-eyes, gasping for breath kind of allergic. Thank you so much for finding it, but it needs to go to someone else. And you need to take a shower so I can give you the hug you deserve.”
He looked down at the cat, at me, then passed it off to Tasha.
“I’ll take a raincheck for lunch,” Eden said. “Go help him clean up.”
I nodded, not taking my eyes from Merdon, and grabbed my bow.
“We will leave at first light,” Thallirin said. “There are many animals. We spoke to Drav. He will send Ryan and trucks so we can get the creatures quickly and return the same day. We will need thirty volunteers.”
“Can I go?” Tasha asked Brenna while already snuggling the cat to her face. If I tried that, my face would look like a marshmallow within a minute.
“We don’t have any cat supplies here, and I’m betting there are some where they found it,” Tasha added.
“We’ll talk to Mom, but I’m sure she won’t stop you from going if that’s what you really want,” Brenna said.
“I do,” Tasha said, kissing the top of the kitten’s head.
“Are you serious?” I asked. Mine wasn’t the only shocked face. Eden looked equally concerned.
“This is the world we live in,” Brenna said. “Hiding from it won’t help us survive it. Besides, there will be thirty fey to keep us safe.”
“Us?” Thallirin echoed.
“I’d rather be with you than home alone, waiting,” she said. “It sucked being left behind.”
He pressed his lips to her forehead. That was it. End of discussion. The fey were going to let those two go with them? Out there beyond the wall where anything could happen?
My gaze locked on Tasha. I could feel the tightness in my chest growing.
“Come,” Merdon said. The command in his voice cut through my growing panic.
“She can’t go,” I said. “You know she can’t. It’s not safe.”
“Hannah, what do you think we’re doing here? An apocalyptic version of aerobics class? We’re learning skills to survive an increasing threat. It doesn’t matter where we are. Out there? In here? The risk follows us because the infected are after us. Don’t let yourself believe for a minute that these walls are what’s keeping us alive.”
I could feel it, the panic from the woods the moment I’d realized Katie and I would die. Brenna’s words echoed what I’d said to James over two weeks ago. Only then, I hadn’t been sure I wanted to live when I’d realized my imminent death. Things had changed, though.
“Hannah,” Merdon said sharply.
I turned on him.
“I’m not a dog. Stop trying to command me.”
“And I just held a cat that will make you not breathe if I touch you.”
“I don’t see how the two are related,” I said.
“You’re upset, and I cannot physically remove you from what’s upsetting you. Let’s go home.”
I stared at him a moment, then glanced at Brenna.
“Let your mom know I want to talk to her before she makes up her mind.”
Brenna nodded. I could see she was worried, but not for Tasha. For me. She’d seen my breakdown. She knew I had some kind of baggage. And she’d obviously connected Tasha’s desire to go outside the wall with that baggage. How could she not? I’d been close to freaking out again.
“How do you always know?” I asked Merdon as we walked away.
“Because I know you.”
I believed he did. And I thought, just maybe, I was starting to understand him.
“Thank you for going out to look for animals, but you didn’t need to do that. You’ve been giving me hope all along. Little bits that I don’t think either of us noticed.”
He grunted and glanced at me like he wasn’t sure what my angle was.
“What do I need to do for you to start believing I mean