If only he was talking about something else and not the food on my plate.
I gave Emily a reassuring smile.
“Dinner’s amazing. I think I just ate too much for lunch.”
I could feel Merdon studying me. Did he know I’d just lied? I sincerely hoped not.
“You’re restless. Do you want to go back downstairs?”
My fork slowed its idle poking as I stared at him in surprise. He hadn’t commanded it or said it angrily. In fact, he’d sounded downright hesitant.
“No. I think I’ll go read.”
He grunted and went back to eating his meal. I wrapped mine for later and fled to my room. While I might have evaded more basement time, I couldn’t escape my thoughts about what had happened down there.
I paced and tried to decide how I felt about how I felt. It was crazy to be attracted to Merdon. He was too much. There’d be no getting my way in any relationship with him. Did I care? I hadn’t gotten my way so far, and things were good. Well, except the spankings. I thought of the butt rub after the last one and amended even that thought.
So I liked everything he’d done to me? Not really. At least, not at the time he’d been doing them. But now, looking back, I saw his actions for what they were. An angry, intense man willing to do anything to save the woman he hoped to someday make his. If she lived long enough. And if he managed not to fill her with irrevocable hatred for him.
There’d been so many ifs in his plan when it came to the outcome of my feelings for him. But two things had never been ifs in his mind. The first was saving me. The second was that I’d be his and no one else’s.
I liked that. All of it. He took care of me even when I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself. He put my needs first. Granted, I’d be overjoyed if he’d put my wants first, but Nancy had brought up a good point today. What I wanted wasn’t always what was best for me. Was I okay with giving up that control to someone else?
That was the real question. It wasn’t about how I felt about Merdon but how I felt about what being with him would mean for me.
Pacing my way into the bathroom, I got ready for bed then settled in with the book. It was the perfect distraction until my door opened.
Once Merdon entered, I couldn’t focus on anything but him. He looked me over then went to sit in his chair. I turned off the bedside lamp and studied him. Even in the semi-darkness, I saw the line of his strong jaw, the thick length of his thigh, and the enormity of the hand resting on it.
“Do you ever sleep while I sleep?” I asked.
“Planning on running?” he asked in return.
“No. Not anymore. I’m asking because it’s not right that you go without sleep just to keep an eye on me. You deserve sleep, too.”
I moved over and patted the empty side.
“There’s plenty of room, and if you’re lying next to me, I’m betting you’ll feel every move I make. There’d be no sneaking past you. What do you say? Want to sleep with me?”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Just as Katie and I raced through the trees in our desperate attempt to outrun the infected, Merdon’s fingers stroked over my hair and woke me. I rolled toward him, needing the comfort of his presence. His arm wrapped around my middle and pulled me even closer to him.
“I like this arrangement better,” I whispered.
His hand smoothed over my back in answer.
“Will the dreams ever stop? I hate reliving what I did. I hate being that person. Mean. Selfish.”
“You didn’t kill your sister.”
I lifted my head to look at him.
“I stabbed her. I can still feel the blade in my hand; the way it stuck in her.”
“She was dead long before the knife. The infected killed your sister. Hate them. Stop hating yourself. Then the dreams will stop.”
I laid my head back down.
“I killed her by running. I should have—”
“No,” he said firmly.
“If you’d died in her place, she likely would have died alone shortly after. You weren’t mean; you were surviving. Let go of the blame and the hate for yourself.”
“I’m not sure how.”
He grunted and continued to run his hand over my back. I exhaled heavily and soaked up the feel of his