past it. Drinking, no matter how much it calls to you—and trust me, it’ll still whisper to you on your bad days—isn’t the answer.”
I looked off at nothing for a minute, letting what she said bounce around in my head.
“Survivor’s guilt?”
“Yep. That’s what my fancy therapist called it. Don’t try to deal with what you’re feeling alone. Talk to someone who’s willing to listen.”
I focused on her.
“You?”
She gave me a wry grin.
“Everyone needs a mama-bear in their corner. I’m more than willing to fill in for yours because I’d want someone to do the same for Brenna if she were as lost and suffering as you are, honey. I’m here if you need me. To listen. To tell a fey to back off. Whatever.”
She reached out and clasped my hand, her grip strong.
“Thanks,” I said.
She nodded, turned her chair, and headed toward Uan.
I wasn’t ready to tell the world what I’d done, but knowing that Nancy understood my pain helped me feel a whole lot less alone.
“You’re up,” Brenna called when I got close.
The fey cheered, and I groaned.
The fey needed a new hobby.
I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, my belly pleasantly stuffed from another amazing lunch. After the morning I had, I should have been sleepy. Instead, I was bored.
“If you keep sighing like that, he’s going to find something for you to do,” Emily warned me softly.
The “he” in question was currently absent from the house, which was probably part of my boredom. Not that I wanted Merdon annoying me. I just wasn’t sure what to do with myself when he wasn’t bossing me around.
“Nancy was there today. She asked me to go for a walk with her and offered to be my surrogate mom.”
Emily set down her book.
“Wow. That was really nice of her.”
“Yeah. Brenna talked to her about how Merdon’s treating me. Nancy seemed less concerned about that and more concerned about—”
I broke off, not sure exactly what I wanted to say to Emily.
She remained quiet, waiting for me to sort it out.
I sighed and rolled so I was fully facing her.
“She talked to me about survivor’s guilt. She had it with her accident and again when her husband was killed and Brenna was taken. I didn’t know that was even a thing.”
“Is that what’s going on, Hannah? You feel guilty for surviving?”
The pain crawled in. It would be so easy to say yes and to try to absolve myself of everything. But, Nancy was wrong. She just didn’t know it. There was fault. Katie was dead because I’d let her die.
“I wish the answer was that simple,” I said. “But, it’s not.”
“Merdon’s right,” she said, looking at me. “When you’re idle, your thoughts eat at you. As much as I hate you two fighting in the basement, it keeps you focused on things you have control over rather than dwelling on a past you can’t change.” She gave me an apologetic look before scaring the shit out of me by yelling for Merdon at the top of her lungs.
“Was that really necessary?” I asked, sitting up, heart pounding.
Before she answered, Merdon burst through the door. His fluid movement didn’t pause as he surveyed the room and located me. His gaze swept over my face as he came to a stop on his knees before the couch.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“She’s not fine,” Emily said. “She’s doing that thing you said she does.”
“What thing?” I asked.
“You lose yourself to the past,” Merdon said. “The past is dark and no place for you.”
He stood and extended a hand.
“Come.”
I made a face.
“But I don’t want to play spank-and-bite right now. My belly’s too full.”
“You can walk downstairs on your own or I’ll carry you over my shoulder. You’re choice.”
I glared at him, shot Emily the same glare, then slowly stood.
“I’ll walk to the basement, but know that my compliance is only under duress.”
“Just get down there,” Emily said. “You know you’ll feel better afterward.”
“Says you. You haven’t had Merdon spank you yet, or you’d know that’s a lie.”
Neither one seemed to care about my protests as I made my way downstairs. I looked at the mat and let out a whine.
“Seriously, I’m going to get a belly ache. Had I known you’d make me do this, I wouldn’t have eaten so much.”
“No, you are hungry. You need to eat.”
“Yeah, well, I’m going to be throwing up all that important food the first time you do that weird ‘toss the Hannah’ thing you do.”