A Crown Of Fire And Wrath (The Shadow Walkers Saga #5) - Sloane Murphy Page 0,57

against the war inside of me. I try to shut it all back up, but I can’t do it. The guilt, the pain, everything I’ve tried to avoid. My stomach rolls as it just hits me, like wave after wave of the ocean. Just when I think I’ve caught my breath, another wave takes me down.

Caleb holds me the entire time without hesitation or movement beyond telling me it will be okay and stroking my hair. I didn’t mean to break like this. Not on him. But the comfort he offers comes with no judgment, and no strings. It’s exactly why I came here. It’s why I’m breaking.

“I’m sorry,” I hiccup as I catch a breath, and he shakes his head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. What happened?” he asks softly. He looks down at me with such affection, it’s like another stab to the gut.

“I… I killed him,” I stutter, and the tears start to fall again as Morgan sweeps into the room. Caleb stands, taking me with him, and passes me over to her.

“What on earth?” Morgan says, but I can’t answer.

“I have no idea, but whoever it was, I’m going to kill them.” Caleb growls. A chorus of ‘me too’ join him and I realize that all of the Horsemen are here. I try to catch my breath, pulling away from Morgan to compose myself, but it’s a losing battle.

“Can you guys give us some space?” Morgan asks them softly, and despite the groans of protest, they leave the room, and shut the door.

“They’re going to wait outside of that door until they know you’re okay.” She sighs with a soft smile. “Now how about we have a cup of tea, and you tell me what is going on?”

I nod, managing to finally get a hold of myself, but silent tears still run down my face. With a wave of her hand, the table appears, with a full tea spread, including the little sandwiches and cake. If I had it in me to laugh, I’d be laughing my ass off right now, but the most I can manage is a smile, and even that hurts.

She pulls me to the table and I sit beside her as she pours us both a cup of tea. “It’s chamomile, it should help calm you.”

I take a sip, wincing at the sharp taste, but I take another, hoping for anything to calm the storm inside of me. She sits in silence, watching me, waiting for me to start talking, but I have no idea where to even begin. And after such a dramatic entrance, I feel like a complete idiot, but I still can’t stem the tears fully.

“Whatever happened, you know we’re on your side, right?”

I nod, and take another sip of the tea. Anything to buy myself time from saying any of it out loud. I take a deep breath and try to steel myself against the words I know I need to say out loud. Otherwise I’ll never even begin to start working through the mess inside of me.

“I remember…” I start, and have to take a deep breath again as the guilt and shame rises up, threatening to make me throw up again. “I remember everything. Including the thing I bound myself from remembering…” Her eyes go wide at my words.

“You bound your memories? Mara… that’s… I wish you’d have come to me instead, it’s so unhealthy to do that.”

“I had no choice, there was no other way to survive it. To not bring him down with me. To not put other people in danger because I was a zombie. I couldn’t function.” My voice catches again as she takes my hand.

“Whatever it was, I’m sure that you did what you thought was best.” She squeezes my hand and the tears start to trickle down my face again.

“I feel so lost, Mor… like I don’t know who I am, who I’m meant to be. There are so many different versions of me inside my head, and I can’t work out which one is the right one.”

“You are all of them, and none of them. There is no right one, Mara,” she whispers, her hand not leaving mine.

“I killed him,” I say quietly, and her eyes flash again, but she remains unmoved.

“Who?”

“My son… Levi’s son.” Her gasp is audible at my words, and it’s like another dagger to the heart. “I was reckless, careless, and he died, before he even had a chance to live. Levi didn’t know…