the down payment. And I may have set it up with the bank that if she missed a payment, it came out of my account.”
“Nice,” Eric nodded. “Way to make the rest of us look like chumps.”
“Hey, I was trying to be nice. How the hell was I supposed to know this was too nice a gift?”
“Because most men don’t buy houses for their girlfriends,” Hunter snapped.
I glared at him, irritated by his logic. “Okay, so what’s something nice, but not too nice? I doubt I can apologize with something bigger than a house.”
“Candles. Chicks love candles,” Joe answered.
I glanced around the table, hoping to get input from the others on this one. All of them looked as skeptical as I was.
“Candles? Really?”
“Oh yeah. They’re scented, so they smell pretty and they burn for at least a few days, so the feeling lasts for a while. That gives you time to work your way back onto her good side. And an added bonus for you, you can get one for like seven bucks, so it’s cheap for you,” he said with a wink.
I stared at him like the dumbass he was. “Just the message I want to send to my woman. A cheap candle that’ll last a few days.”
“Hey, you asked for our help,” he pointed out.
“A candle won’t do it. Especially not after he bought her a house,” he said, shaking his head. “When I fucked up with Katherine, I spent sixty bucks on roses. And I delivered them in person to her job. The apology has to be sincere.”
“I don’t know that Anna’s a roses kind of woman,” I said, scratching my jaw. “She really likes the stars.”
“Ooh!” Andrew sat up excitedly. “You can do one of those star dedications. You know, buy her a star and all that shit.”
“Yeah, because that hasn’t been done before,” Hunter muttered.
“You tried it?” Derek asked.
Hunter nodded slightly. “I was running out of ideas to make up for shit with Lucy. I gave it a try, and let me tell you, all it did was ensure that I didn’t have sex for a week.”
“You guys are missing the bigger picture,” Derek said. “The apology to Anna isn’t the only problem. He also has to make sure that Corduroy stays out of the picture. Permanently.”
I frowned. “Wait, what do you mean, permanently?”
“There are ways to make sure he disappears,” Hunter said cryptically. “For good.”
My jaw dropped. “Are you suggesting we murder a deputy sheriff?”
“Murder?” Derek laughed. “No, I would never suggest that.” But then he did this weird eye thing that made me think he was trying to get some other point across.
Hunter laughed maniacally, shaking his head. “We’re just fucking with you. We would never suggest that you kill someone.”
“Thank God for that.”
“We’d do it for you,” he added with a shrug.
“What?”
“Plausible deniability,” Derek said. “We work hours from here. It’s very unlikely anyone would come asking questions. We’re always out on jobs. There are easy ways to manipulate tracking data if you have a good IT person-”
“Which we do,” Hunter added.
“We would have a solid alibi and you would be off the hook. Besides, you’re a lawyer. You know all the legal bullshit.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” I said slowly.
“Same principles apply,” Derek waved me off. “Don’t get caught. Don’t leave a trail of evidence, and most importantly, don’t talk without yourself present.”
“What?”
He rolled his eyes. “I was making a joke. You’re a lawyer. Don’t talk without your lawyer present.”
“Look, I really don’t think killing Carter is the way to go,” Eric said, trying to calm everyone down. “Perhaps save that for something more sinister, like him stealing her donuts.”
Everyone laughed, but I slammed my hand down on the table in frustration. “How the hell is any of this helpful? I can’t kill off a town deputy, I’m not giving her candles or buying her a star. I need something actually helpful here!”
“How is killing off the competition not helpful?” Hunter asked, a pure look of confusion on his face.
Derek shook his head slightly. “Remember, they’re not from our world.”
“In your world, it’s okay to kill people off for talking to your girlfriend?” Joe asked.
“Well, we wouldn’t go around talking about it,” Hunter muttered. “Though I did consider it after what you did with Lucy,” he snapped.
Joe rolled his eyes. “Would you relax. Lucy and I didn’t sleep together.”