The Code for Love and Heartbreak - Jillian Cantor Page 0,91
go to the dance.”
* * *
After Izzy and I hang up, I do get out of bed and take a shower. I let the water run over my face, wishing for it to bring me clarity, help me decide what to do next. Izzy got me into this mess with her stupid offhand comment in the first place. But Izzy also understands people in a way I never will. Should I take her advice now? I don’t really want to go to the dance, much less alone. And besides, what if I go and I try to apologize and no one accepts my apology? Then I’ll feel even worse.
I get out of the shower, put my sweats on and go downstairs to make a mocha. Dad must’ve gone out or into work because the house is dark and quiet. I grab my calculus homework again, and sit with it at the table, determined to focus on the numbers. This has to make me feel better, help me think everything through. It always does.
But I’m just staring at the page, the numbers still swimming in front of my eyes. I keep thinking about Jane, about the way she showed me her armor and then let me in behind it, and how you don’t just do that and then decide to hate a person forever—do you? Maybe Izzy’s right. I have to go apologize to her. To all of them. At least I have to try.
It’s five o’clock by now and the dance starts at six. I shut my calculus book and go upstairs to Izzy’s room. I turn on the light, and walk inside the closet and thumb through her dresses.
She left the dress she wore to this very same Valentine’s Day dance last year, or maybe it was the year before. It’s red and strapless, and it hits midcalf, and it’s not something I would ever normally wear.
But I try it on, and look at myself in the full-length mirror. I pull my hair back, and hold it on top of my head with my hand, and suddenly I can see the weird resemblance between Izzy and me that everyone would always say was there when we were younger but that I have never been able to see myself. Standing in Izzy’s room, in Izzy’s dress, I wonder if maybe I can channel Izzy’s good ways with people. If I really can fix everything I’ve ruined.
Chapter 33
I sit in my car in the school parking lot for a good twenty minutes, trying to work up the courage to go inside to the dance by myself. I even text Izzy and tell her I’m wavering on going in. I don’t expect her to text right back because I know she and John have Valentine’s Day plans. But then she surprises me.
Em, get out of the car and go inside. Now!
I don’t want to, I text back.
Get over yourself!!
My face turns hot, aware she is yelling at me across all these miles and over text no less. But then she adds, Love you, with three different-colored heart emojis. The last one is yellow, and that makes me think of George and his animated yellow hearts in our app, and I feel so sick to my stomach and sad and nervous that I know I couldn’t stand it if he stays mad at me forever. I have to go find him and apologize. So I take a deep breath and force myself to get out of the car.
It’s loud inside the school, and as I walk in, the hallway floor is thumping with bass. There are couples outside the gym, taking a breather, and when I get closer, I see Mara and Liz are among them, holding hands. They’re standing next to Alyssa and Anderson, who are kissing. Looks like their second chance might have worked out? I’m so busy staring at Alyssa and Anderson that I almost walk right into Brianna and Ian walking out of the gym before I notice them. I guess they got back together? “Oh, hey, Emma,” Brianna says. “Cute dress.”
“It’s...I...” I feel like I should explain that it’s Izzy’s dress, and that inside of it I feel nothing like myself. I’m impersonating Izzy, trying to channel Izzy’s social skills. But instead I just say, “Um...thanks.”
Mara has noticed me now, too. “Emma, you look great!” she exclaims, and she lets go of Liz’s hand to walk over and give me a hug.