never like me. And the guys who do like me, just don’t...” She sighed. “They just don’t do it for me. I call it bad luck.”
“How do you know the guys you like don’t like you? Maybe they do, and you just don’t realize it.”
She gave him an impatient look. “Oh, I know.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I...” She cleared her throat. “I’m not exactly the most subtle of women. I say what I think. Sometimes I say a lot more than I should. If I’m into a guy, he knows.”
Carter tilted his head down so his face was only inches from hers. “Yeah? So you prefer to make the moves?”
“No. I do not prefer to make the moves. I’d much rather a man make the moves. But they never do. So then I tie myself into mental knots about exactly what you’re implying. Maybe the guy is into me and he doesn’t know I’m interested. What if I’m waiting around and letting a good thing slip away? So I...” She felt her cheeks burning as way too many cringe-worthy memories exploded in her mind. “I’ve been known to humiliate myself from time to time.”
“What have you done?” Carter didn’t look remotely surprised or uncomfortable or put off. He seemed fascinated. “Called guys up? Followed them around?”
She giggled, feeling better that he thought it was funny and not distasteful. “Occasionally. Not like I’m a stalker or anything. I’ve always had enough sense to stop before it got inappropriate. But I’ve called guys up and left rambling messages, practically throwing myself at them. I’ve shown up where I knew they’d be. I’ve even asked them out occasionally. None of that is... I mean, I think it’s fairly normal, and I don’t think it’s inappropriate. Just ended up embarrassing for me because the guys weren’t interested. What’s worse...”
She cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks still burning and knowing Carter would be able to see that. She shot him a quick look and saw he was waiting, that little concerned frown on his face. She took a breath and continued, “What I’d say is more of a mistake is too often I’ve held out hope for guys when I knew better. I knew better. They said yes when I asked them out, but they never initiated anything themselves. They were just going along with it because it was easy. I’ve had sex with guys who clearly just wanted a casual fling, but I convinced myself they’d fall for me soon. They’d want it to be serious. If I just held out, they’d... they’d... But of course they never did. I’ve assumed that guys were going to change for me when anyone with sense would know that they wouldn’t.”
Carter picked up her hand again while she spoke. This time he didn’t caress it. Just held it in an oddly comforting gesture.
She swallowed, not quite able to meet his eyes. “I think I’m basically a strong person. I mean, I’ve always been independent. People think I’m competent. And I’m not silly or naive or even particularly optimistic. Even back when I was doing all this with guys. I’d know—I really do know—that it’s better to be by myself than to be with a guy who isn’t going to make my life better. But...” She didn’t know why she was babbling out this very intimate confession, but it felt safe enough with Carter for her to continue. “But sometimes I would just... I would feel alone. And I’d get scared if I didn’t do everything to make it happen, I’d end up missing out. I’d have to stay alone. So despite my skepticism about romance, I just kept... chasing after it. And it makes me take whatever they want to offer—even if it’s not what I want—and pretend it’s enough.”
Her eyes were burning. It was ridiculous. Why the hell was she so emotional about this? And why was she telling Carter?
She sniffed and gave him a wobbly smile. “So I’ve done a lot of things I wish I hadn’t. I haven’t protected my heart enough. For this past year, I’ve been trying not to feel that way. I’ve been trying to be happy with myself. Moving here, it felt like a fresh start. That helped. I left all my embarrassments and disappointments back in Charlotte. Here, I’m going to be better. If I ever start dating again, I’ll do better.” She blinked, realizing she’d been talking for way too long. “Sorry about the rambles. I’m not sure