usually have when you’re around.” Actually, this is one of the few times I’m not hard as a rock in front of her. Fear and libido are not fast friends.
She swallows slowly, and I lower my zipper.
With a huge breath, I bend down to unlace my boots and kick them off. My socks follow next. I keep my focus on the maroon carpet as I slide my jeans past my hips. She gasps before I step out of them. This is it. This is my worst nightmare realized. I don’t know what I’ll do if I look up and her face is twisted in disgust. The expression Lacey couldn’t hide when she came to the hospital.
“Oh, God,” is all I hear. Then, “Was it the accident?”
I nod, my focus never wavering from the pull in the carpet about an inch long, the material frayed at the edges. This is my moment of truth. To be chosen or discarded like the deformed freak I am. I glance up, no longer able to take not knowing. Nina’s hand is at her mouth, but the look of revulsion I expected isn’t there. Sadness? Empathy? Normally, I’m not one for the puppy-dog eyes I get from well-meaning folk who offer condolences, but I’m so relieved she’s not curling her lip and wincing, I practically fist pump.
She lowers her hand, gets to her feet, and approaches until she can intertwine her fingers with mine. Her touch does weird things to my throat until I have to gulp down the lump threatening to rise.
“Is this why you lied about Lacey?” she asks. “You were nervous to show me your legs?”
I run my thumb down the back of her hand. I don’t speak until I’m sure my voice is steady. “I know it wasn’t fair to you. But the more time we spent together, the harder it got. I’ve fallen for you, Nina. Fucking hard. Not sure how else to say it. I love the way you ramble when you talk, and how you fill every drive with rounds of I Spy and Twenty Questions. I can talk to you about my mom without falling to pieces, and I can barely be around you without needing to touch some part of your body. I didn’t feel half this much with Lacey, and the way my legs went down with her sucked. She couldn’t handle it. That’s not why we broke up, really. Still, it sucked.”
I grip her hand tighter, wishing she had known me before this trip so she could see how much she’s helped me, understand how I feel. I move a fraction closer. “I lied, Nina, because I was scared. I’m sorry I did it, and I have no right to ask this now, but…I want you. Us. This. If you can’t forgive me or be with me the way I want to be with you, it’s okay. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. I just need to know.”
It’s a relief to say it out loud, get it all out in the open, but she’s studying my face with tight features, and for the first time ever, I can’t tell what she’s thinking. She may not be freaking out, but that doesn’t mean she’s still attracted to me. That she’ll forgive me and stay in my life. She unlaces our fingers, steps back, and I almost crumble.
So this is it. This is my undoing. No, screw that. Getting in deep with a girl was exactly what I wanted to avoid on this trip. And here I am, practically falling apart over Nina. My happiness, my state of mind, doesn’t depend on her. I need to get away before she says I’m sorry and I just can’t. That shit’s too much.
“Okay,” I say. “Fine.” I snatch my jeans from the floor and fumble with them, my foot missing the opening. I never should’ve gotten involved with her. I should’ve let her run off after that crap in Pahia. I need to meet another Reese.
That’s when her hand comes to rest on my forearm.
At her touch, I slump forward. I should get out of here before I fall harder and she rips my heart out, but that one touch has me hoping. She grabs the jeans still clutched in my hands and tosses them on the floor. “Will you take your top off for me?”
That gets my attention. I straighten up, and those goddamn eyes are on me. The eyes I thought I’d lost forever