The Caregiver - By Shelley Shepard Gray Page 0,55
was stunned. “What?”
“When I finally went to the doctor about that lump, she said it had been most likely growing for at least six months. Maybe longer. And now that I think about it, I do believe that I did notice a lump . . . but I ignored it.” Looking guilty, she added, “See, I thought if I ignored it, it would go away.”
Mattie’s revelation forced Lucy to be completely honest, too. “The first time Paul grabbed me when I argued with him, I was shocked. Even indignant. But then, after he apologized, I convinced myself that some of the fault was mine, too. I guess I, too, tried to ignore the obvious,” she added softly.
Mattie turned off the water. “So you watched and waited.”
“And prayed.” Lucy closed her eyes. “Mattie, you have to believe me—I didn’t wish Paul harm. I didn’t want him to die. I just wanted to be free. I . . . I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.”
“I know that,” she said with an understanding smile. “But, Lucy, now you are sitting and watching everyone else move forward. Other people make plans, but you do not.”
“I don’t know what to hope for.” Maybe she had already gotten what she’d wanted. She’d wanted to be free and happy, and now she was. To ask for more seemed like a selfish thing.
Looking somewhat like a schoolteacher, Mattie stared at her. “All you need is the freedom that will come from knowing that none of what happened was your fault. Not Paul’s abuse. Not his death.”
“You’ve told me this before, you know.”
“And I’ll continue to tell you until you believe me.” She handed Lucy a dishrag. “This Calvin Weaver, he is a fine man. But he’s only human, yes? Calvin has qualities for which to be proud of. And some other not-so-good traits, too.”
“What should I do about the journal?”
“I don’t know. Wait, I suppose.”
“Wait for what? For Calvin to finally give me back my journal?”
With a sad smile, Mattie nodded. “That. And for him to apologize. I’ve known him all my life, Lucy. I promise, he’s not mean-spirited. I would never let him near you if he was.”
Lucy realized that was true. Mattie would protect and care for her no matter what. “So I’ll wait. For a while. ”
“Wait. And then maybe listen. And if it’s not too hard . . . you could give him a chance.”
“We have no future,” Lucy said. Though she could almost imagine forgiving him. Almost imagine liking him. Maybe even falling in love with him. “We live far away from each other.”
“People move.”
“You make things sound so easy.”
“Oh, life is indeed hard, but not everything in life is hard. If you push everything away . . . Lucy, do you feel anything for him?”
The moment she opened her mouth to say no, she felt the word stick. What she felt for Calvin was confusing, but special, too. No other man had caught her eye like he did. No other man had made her pulse race when he smiled at her.
No other man had given her so much joy in such a short amount of time.
“I do feel for him.”
Mattie nodded encouragingly. “And?”
“And he’s made me feel happier than I can ever remember being. He made me feel like I was important. And safe,” she admitted slowly. “I almost trusted him.” Swallowing, she said, “He’s nothing like Paul, is he?”
“I promise you, he’s not. Calvin might make mistakes, but he’s a good man, Lucy.” Looking beyond Lucy, Mattie lowered her voice. “You know, all this with the cancer? It’s made me appreciate people more. If someone makes you happy when you’re with him, and every once in a while, makes you feel very happy . . . then that is something to hold on to, I think.”
“I think you might be right.”
“Lucy, did Paul ever make you feel really happy? Even when you were courting? ”
Lucy tried to remember. “Paul promised that my future would be taken care of. That’s why I married him. I needed that promise.” Of course, she’d later realized that his vision of the future and protection was far different from hers.
After another long look, Mattie nodded. “All right, then. I will stop hounding you. But I do think you’re stronger now. Strong enough to take some chances.”
“I’ll do my best.” Lucy kept her smile on her face as she looked over at her cousin. “Now, are you strong enough to go for a walk?”
“I am. Just