don’t fit in the main library downstairs.”
Sir Isaac slinked in and found the pillow I’d left for him on the floor. He inspected it thoroughly before plopping down to wash. I didn’t wish to say so aloud, but I’d been comforted by his little catly presence all afternoon. He helped fill in that wretched hollowness as I fretted over Thomas and Miss Whitehall and all the terrible thoughts about them that assaulted me.
After scratching behind Sir Isaac’s ears for a bit, Thomas walked over to the shelves, running his fingers across the spines. “Are you going to inquire about my day?” he asked, not looking at me. “You’re not the least bit curious? I’ve been gone for hours.”
His question caught me off guard with its directness. Was he foolish enough to believe I hadn’t nearly gone mad with wondering? My mind conjured up all sorts of scenarios. From him confronting Miss Whitehall to them discussing their future to him grudgingly accepting their fate. I’d barely remembered we had other massive issues—such as the Ripper-like murders—to contend with. Or the news of Rose Mylett’s brutal killing that Uncle had shared. Almost every one of my waking thoughts today had centered on where he was. I loathed how distracted I’d been.
“Of course I’m curious, Thomas! I… I fear if I discover one more unpleasant thing—” I inhaled deeply, collecting myself. “My heart already feels as though it’s been forcibly removed. Is it not enough, having our wedding destroyed? Must I now suffer by hearing about Miss Whitehall?” I could feel tears building, hot and embarrassing as they spilled down my cheeks. “Unless you’re about to tell me that she has abandoned her scheme to marry you, I don’t wish to discuss her, or your father, or hear any more suggestions about having an affair behind your betrothed’s back. I cannot take any more disappointment. It is destroying me.”
“Do you think I was with her today? Carrying on a courtship? After what happened yesterday? Have you gone mad?”
I bristled at his tone. “How should I know when you haven’t been around? What am I supposed to think?”
“You shouldn’t think; you should know I love you.” Thomas spun around, his eyes wild. “What if I don’t follow through on the marriage and stay betrothed? Why won’t you consider being with me, no matter what? Why is it that Mephisto’s brand of debauchery and lifestyle was less appalling than my offer? Do you regret not leaving with the carnival? Do you regret leaving him? No matter that he used manipulation tactics, preyed upon your goodwill, and would have continued doing so. Why is my offer not enough?”
If he’d slapped me, it might have stung less than the utter devastation I heard in his voice. My pulse raced. His untamed behavior was much worse than his coolness. I now realized he’d been using it to cover up the depth of his own hurt. Thomas had finally lost his grip on his emotions and it seemed they were pouring out.
“Thomas…” I stared at the ceiling, searching for cracks or fissures. Surely it was about to come crashing down like everything else around me. “We’ve been through this. I cannot change the fact that I made mistakes during that investigation. I thought I could playact a certain role, and I lost myself in the process. Clearly it was the wrong decision. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. All I can do is try my best to learn from my mistakes and grow.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” His voice was too quiet.
I dropped my attention back to him. He was staring at me intently. “Do you honestly wish to speak of Mephistopheles? Now?”
He jerked his head in what was supposed to be a nod. “Why would you toss away society’s rules for him and not me?”
I exhaled. He was hurt and I’d helped to inflict this wound. I wished there wasn’t such a gaping chasm between us. I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms and kiss his fears away. And I wanted him to hold me close, too, to make me forget the pain and misery of the last twenty-four hours. But those were not appropriate actions for us now. I needed to remember that.
Even if it went against every natural urge in my body.
“You know I never truly considered Mephistopheles as a suitor. It was never him that I’d been taken with. It was the idea of completely living