“It’s important you realize why I pushed you away.” He draws in a steady inhalation as if to steel himself for what will come next. “You’re the last person I would ever want to cause pain, and I’m sorry for that. I can’t say that it wasn’t my intention, because it was. I didn’t see another way.” He pauses for a beat. “Can we please sit down and have this conversation?”
That’s when I realize I’m still locked in his arms, held tightly against his chest.
When I nod, he swings toward the couch with me held securely in his arms. I get the feeling he’s afraid to let me go, even for a moment. The urge to burrow against his chest thrums through me, but I’m not quite ready to do that. I’ve missed Rowan more than I allowed myself to acknowledge, even privately. It was so much easier to push him to the outer recesses of my mind and pretend I hadn’t already given him my heart. With him standing before me, I can no longer do that.
“Do you remember the older guy we ran into on campus a couple of weeks ago?” When I stare, he adds, “It was after stats class.”
I nod as the memory flashes through my head. Something about him had unsettled me. It’s as if my body had gone on high alert.
“That was Scott Michaels.” There’s a pause. “My father.”
“Oh.” Air gets lodged in my throat as my mind spins. That still doesn’t explain why he would feel the need to push me away.
A humorless chuckle escapes from him. “He’s been incarcerated for the last ten years for murder.”
Murder?
The word echoes in my head.
“Your father was in prison for,” I force out the rest, “murder?”
He jerks his head into a tight nod before glancing away as if barely able to hold my gaze. “Yeah. He’s been a petty criminal my entire life and then he fell in with the wrong people and got in over his head.”
I can’t begin to fathom how difficult it would be to grow up with a parent like that. My heart clenches painfully knowing there’s no way to alleviate the hurt and damage that must have been inflicted. Only now do I understand why Rowan is so closed off when it comes to his family. I wish he would have felt safe enough to open up and share this with me.
“Rowan,” I whisper, unsure how to proceed.
He doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else. “He’d recently been released from prison, and he started coming around, wanting money from me. The first time it happened, I gave him a good chunk of my savings. I told him that I couldn’t give him anymore, and I didn’t want to see him again. A week later, he showed up on campus.”
“That’s when we ran into him after stats class,” I murmur. Only now does Rowan’s strange reaction make so much more sense.
“Yeah.” Humiliation flags his cheeks as I cup the sides of his face with my palms. “As long as he’s free, he’ll never stop coming around, trying to milk me for everything he can. I didn’t want him anywhere near you.” He shakes his head. “Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but in the end, all I was trying to do is protect you from the ugliness of my past.”
All of the puzzle pieces I couldn’t fit together now make perfect sense. I had noticed changes in his behavior but was unable to put my finger on the reason for them. All the times I’d caught him zoning out, he’d been worrying about his father. He didn’t want me to know anything about his family. More specifically, his dad. Now that the man was out of prison, Rowan didn’t want me exposed to him. And the quickest way to cut ties would have been to—
“So, you made sure I found you with the one girl who would hurt me the most.”
His shoulders slump under the weight of my retort. “I was scared and didn’t want him anywhere near you. Pushing you away seemed like the easiest way to achieve that. It was stupid. The look on your face,” regret fills his eyes as he shakes his head, “I’m sorry for hurting you. I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I would have understood.” There’s a beat of silence. “I would have stood by your side.”