and I can’t get him close enough. I’m swept up in him and the heat of us, and at the same time Grady’s mouth is there. I need to forget the way it felt on mine. To forget everything Addy said about my dad. I need it out of me, back on the mainland, maybe as far as the moon.
It’s like my life depends on the sex I’m about to have.
The rest of his clothes are coming off, and mine are coming off, and we’re naked, but not naked enough, and I just don’t want to think about anything other than us and my body and what I’m feeling. Because if I stop, Grady is there and my dad is there, and I have to think about my mom and me, the two of us, homeless and cast out except for the house Addy’s letting us live in. I don’t want another before and after. Before my dad left us. After my dad found this other woman. No more befores and afters. For once I just want to be Claude Now.
Suddenly I realize there’s no condom.
I say, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Shit. Hold on.”
* * *
—
Afterward I lie there staring up at the ceiling, and Grady is still there and my dad is still there and the sex hasn’t chased them away. And then something else is there. The reality that Miah is leaving, that I’m leaving. And the reality of what I’ve done. The stabbing in my chest turns to an emptiness, and then a tightness, as if the breath is going out of me.
I go far, far away. He thinks I’m lying there, but I’m actually not in this room, not on this island, not even on this earth. I’m somewhere beyond it, looking out through my eyes, which are acting like computer screens, transmitting to me in space. And this is what happens when you are protecting yourself from caring too much. Because inevitably people will hurt you, and it’s better to cushion the fall. This way you still fall, but not as far, and maybe it won’t hurt as much when you hit the ground.
Miah says, “Hey. Captain.”
I kind of come to, and it’s clear he’s been saying something that I haven’t heard.
He rolls over onto his side, one arm draped across me. “Where are you?”
“Here.”
“No you’re not. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Everything. Instead of making me feel closer, the sex has made me further away, not just from him but from everyone.
“Yeah, no. Don’t do that.”
He reaches for my arm but I move it away.
I say, “Maybe I just want to have fun without thinking so much all the time.”
“Great, me too, but not when you’re acting weird.”
“I’m not acting weird.”
“Bullshit.”
“Don’t be a dick.”
“You don’t be a dick.”
“You’re the dick who almost didn’t wear a condom.”
“Yeah, well, you were there too, Captain. And I hope you know that wasn’t on purpose. You’re going to run into guys who tell you they can’t get off wearing a condom, and they’ll try to convince you to forget protection. They’ll be all, Let’s be in the moment, let’s not worry—”
“Why are you talking about other guys?”
“I just want to prepare you for when I’m not around.”
“Thanks, but I’m not stupid. And I’m not going to sleep with anyone who tries that with me.” And now I’m seething. We’re still naked, and he’s already thinking about when we’re not together anymore.
“Sorry. With four younger sisters, you get used to being the protector.”
“I don’t want to talk about other guys I’m going to sleep with, not with you, not right now.”
“I get it. And just so you know, I don’t really want to talk about that either.”
We go quiet for a minute. Then he says, “So who’re you mad at? Your dad?” He sits up a little and he’s looking at me, and all I want is to get away, but then he goes, “Hey. Come on. It’s me.”
And he touches my face and lifts my chin and won’t let me look away. And the way he touches me is so sweet and gentle that I pull back so he can’t reach me. But I tell him. I tell him because I have to.
It comes out broken, little shattered pieces of glass, too sharp to pick up, too many to put back together. I tell him about my dad and his girlfriend. And then I tell him about Grady.
He sits listening. So quiet. So still.
“Say something.”
“I don’t know what