Breathe Me Smith and Belle (Royals Saga #11) - Geneva Lee Page 0,54

to put one on the books.

“I’m sure the doctor will want to see her then. She’s due for her checkup,” Marjorie said.

Heat pricked my eyes, and I blinked stubbornly against the tears.“I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“It’s a lot for a first-time mom,” Marjorie said, warming up as she looked me over. “She would’ve let you know if something was wrong, dear.”

Not that I would have been able to decipher that, I thought glumly.

“Why don’t you go back and talk with Dr. Stanton alone first?” Marjorie suggested. “The baby can join you after.”

"Thank you,” I said, not trusting myself to say anything more.

Marjorie probably thought I was an idiot. I couldn’t blame her. I’d proven over and over again I was. I took a chair inside the small exam room and waited for the doctor. While I did, I read a poster, describing the important milestones I needed to be watching for where Penny’s growth was concerned. I hadn’t even been thinking about things like that. Tummy time? Was I supposed to be doing that? I’d seen Clara doing that with Elizabeth and Wills, but it never occurred to me that it was a mandatory activity. Apparently, there were a lot of things I didn’t know I should be doing. By the time the door to the exam room opened, I had dissolved into tears. I looked up, eyes brimming, and swallowed hard.

Dr. Stanton blinked once, but that was the only sign of surprise he showed about finding me in this state. “Well, I see you just had a baby.” He said it in a conversational way as he read my chart, but I suspected the comment had more to do with finding me sobbing on his exam table. “And you have postpartum depression, it seems.”

“I know it’s normal.” I swiped at my eyes, regurgitating all of the information my obstetrician in London told me following Penny’s birth. “It’s only been six weeks. I know things will adjust.”

Dr. Stanton lowered my file and studied me for a moment, his brown eyes crinkling under bushy white eyebrows. “Sounds like you have it all figured out.”

I nodded.

“There’s not going to be a test,” he said gently. “You can be honest with me, Ms. Price.”

“It’s just more than I expected,” I said, managing to keep my voice from cracking. “The transition, I mean. The sleep. The crying.”

“Your crying or the baby’s crying?” he asked.

“Both,” I said without thinking.

“You are absolutely correct that there is a period of transition for most mothers. How they respond to the hormonal changes is different for every woman. The severity of your depression doesn’t reflect on your abilities as a mother.

“I have no reason to be depressed,” I confessed. I’d have this argument with myself in the mirror this morning. “I’m sure if I give it time—”

“Let me be clear,” he cut me off. “There is nothing wrong with having postpartum depression. Often, a woman feels it makes them a bad mother if they admit it. Over the last 40 years, I’ve heard women tell me all sorts of things that they thought following the birth of their baby. Some of them said they thought they were going crazy. Some of them were surprised they didn’t like being a mother more. Some of them felt like their life was spiraling out of control. It affects everyone differently. But there’s a lot of things we can do to help you feel better.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but found all of my arguments draining from me. Why had I come here if I was just going to argue with him? To make Smith happy? I’d gotten myself here. Why couldn’t that be enough? When I finally found my words again, they surprised even me. “Why don’t I want to be happy?”

“You do. It just feels impossible, so you try not to think about it,” he said in a soft voice. “And when you try not to think about it, you can’t find the energy to do anything about it, and then you just get used to it and you wonder if it’s always been like this. Does anything I say feel familiar?”

I nodded. It wasn’t exactly how I felt, but it was bloody close. “I just thought this was what it felt like to be a mum.”

“I don’t want to alarm you, but that’s not a natural reaction,” he said. “I think that there are a couple of things we can do to help you get through this. First of all,