The Boyfriend Designer - Christopher Harlan Page 0,67
me? You ever send or receive that text?”
“That’s a hard no to both. I know you were being sarcastic, but it made me think.”
“I’m gifted like that, don’t you know? My sarcasm both entertains and educates. It’s complex like that.”
“I don’t think there’s ever been a guy who has ever said that.”
“Jeez and they say I’m a bad listener. All you have is blow jobs on the mind.”
“You are a bad listener, and the blow job thing is your fault. All I had on the brain before that was coffee.”
“Which I’m still not seeing my cup of, by the way.”
“On it. How do you take it?”
She smiles. “Oh, wait—that’s like the perfect set up. Hold on, I’ve got this. ‘That’s what she said!’”
She’s laughing so hard at her own joke I almost don’t want to burst her bubble by telling her it doesn’t make sense. Almost. “Okay good try. Honorable attempt. But that one works better as a ‘that’s what he said’ kind of joke.”
“Wait, how come?”
I laugh. “Are you serious? You can’t tell?”
“Guys can ‘take it’, can’t they? I think the joke works.”
“The joke absolutely does not work because the ‘it’ in the phrase ‘take it’ refers to a dick, as in ‘she took all of my dick’, so it doesn’t work if you reverse it.”
Her eyes get all wide and she makes a weird, funny, contorted Shoshana face. “There’s so much to unpack in that sentence I’m not even sure where to start.”
“Such as?”
“I just said I didn’t know where to start, give me a minute.”
I laugh and sip coffee as I put a pod in for her. “Sorry.”
“Okay I’m gonna go in reverse to what you said ‘cause the second part is bothering me more than the first.”
“Alright.”
“She took all of my dick? Like, as opposed to taking some of your dick, or 2/3 of your dick?”
I literally spit coffee on the counter as I imagine one of my boys telling me that he gave 2/3’s of his dick to his girl. “Point taken, it’s a dumb expression. Go on while I clean up the mess I just made. In fact, you know what? I’m gonna put my coffee down until you finish your points. It’s just safer that way.”
“If you want me to apologize for being hilarious keep waiting buddy.”
“Not at all. Go on.”
“Why does ‘it’ have to refer to a dick? ‘It’ is a pronoun, so can’t it refer to lady parts?”
I think about it for a second. This is twice in just a few minutes that I’m using brain cells to consider sexual things I’ve never thought of before. Of course, it’s Shoshana who’s making me think about it.
“Yes, technically, but it’s the ‘taking me’ part that makes the ‘it’ refer to a dick and not to pussy.”
“Explain.”
“Glad to,” I say smiling. “Last night I wasn’t taking your pussy, you were taking my dick. You don’t put the lock in the key, you put the key in lock.”
“A new metaphor? I can’t keep up. And what exactly would my vagina be keeping locked up, I wonder.”
“Stay focused.”
“Oh, like that’s even possible. And by the way, you were totally taking my pussy. Just saying.”
“Woah, woah, woah. Slow your roll. I was giving, you were taking. Don’t you remember my key/lock thing a minute ago?”
“Yeah it was groundbreaking stuff. Tell me again.”
“Shut up,” I joke.
“I’ll gladly shut up when you admit you took all of my pussy last night.”
“Yeah, that’s never going to happen. It can’t happen, actually.”
“Look, none of your little followers are here, don’t worry. It’s just you and me and two cups of coffee. Just admit you took every inch of this pussy, just in case you were under any illusions.”
“Jesus, that doesn’t even make sense. What inches?”
“Like, internally. I have inches too, just not the dangling type that look awkward in sweat pants. Side note—never wear sweatpants in public.”
“I don’t. Everyone knows that—not even my custom line with my wolf graphic on the crotch. Sweatpants are for the house or gym, never for going out.”
“You’d think, but I saw your video—the one about how to use man wipes properly—you were totally wearing blue sweatpants. I could see everything when the camera pulled back.”
“That’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it now? YouTube counts as public. Actually, it’s more public than actual public.”
“How do you figure?”
“Last I checked, a million people don’t watch you when you go out shopping. Therefore, a million people should not see your package because of the pants you’re wearing. It’s the