Sure, it’s a self-inflicted injury, but that doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Beck and I are the last ones to leave as he pushes out through the heavy locker room door. I follow behind, sucked back into the chaotic whirl of my thoughts.
The whole did-I-or-didn’t-I-make-a-mistake is eating me alive. The bitch of it is that I’ll probably never know.
“Oh,” he says, moving into the corridor of the athletic center, “hey, Alyssa.”
My head snaps up so abruptly that I nearly give myself whiplash as my gaze collides with icy-blue eyes. All it takes is one look at the fury vibrating off her in heavy, suffocating waves to know that I won’t escape this confrontation unscathed. I swallow down my growing nausea. This is exactly the kind of altercation I’d been hoping to avoid.
When she remains silent, lips pressed together in a tight line, Beck’s quizzical gaze flicks to mine. Whatever he sees painted across my face is enough of a tipoff for him to abandon this sinking ship post haste. Can’t say I blame him for it. I’d probably do the same if I were in his position. He jerks a thumb over his shoulder and takes a swift step in retreat. “So...I’m going to take off.”
Instead of glancing at Beck, Alyssa’s gaze stays pinned to mine.
“I’ll catch you at the dorm,” I mutter, dread pooling at the bottom of my gut.
“Yup.” With pent-up longing, I watch as he disappears down the hallway like the hounds of hell are nipping at his heels.
An uncomfortable silence falls over us.
One heartbeat passes.
Then another.
Now that we’re alone, I mentally brace myself for the oncoming explosion. Except Alyssa doesn’t do the expected. Instead, she stares mutely, scouring my face for answers I refuse to give voice to. Hurt seeps into her eyes, mingling with the fury. A fresh wave of guilt crashes over me, nearly swallowing me whole. It would be so much easier if she’d just go off the deep end. Then I could mentally shut down and tune out the theatrics while she got everything off her chest.
But this?
The unspoken recriminations aimed in my direction?
The pain that radiates off her as if it’s a living, breathing entity?
That’s impossible to tune out.
How can I when I’m the architect of her agony?
When I’m the one to blame for giving in and allowing this to get out of hand?
Ever since middle school, I’ve yearned for this girl. Longed to reach out and stroke my fingers over her. Be close to her. Make her mine. Although, she would have never guessed it from my behavior. I’ve done everything in my power to ignore Alyssa. To keep her at a distance. To push her to the outer recesses of my brain so I wouldn’t have to think about her. So I’d finally stop wanting her—dreaming about her.
It didn’t work.
Nothing worked.
Even when I broke down and asked her out, I knew this is how it would eventually end between us. When it comes down to it, I can’t give Alyssa what she craves. What she deserves.
No matter how tempting it is, I can’t love her the way she needs me to.
So where does that leave us?
In a place that neither of us wants to be.
More than anything, I wish Alyssa had just been a fuck. One I could forget about. But she was never that. Whether she realizes it or not, that’s the problem.
“Why?”
One shaky word falls from her lips, but it’s more than enough. It’s like a burning arrow shot right through the center of my heart. Even though it’s tempting to look away, I force myself to hold her gaze. It’s vital to bear witness to the harm I’ve inflicted. It’ll serve as a permanent reminder to never let my guard down again. The damage rippling in its wake isn’t worth it.
My gaze roams over her. So badly do I want to close the distance and pull her into my arms. She might only be five foot six, but Alyssa is a towering pillar of strength. I don’t think I’ve ever met another girl like her. It’s doubtful I ever will again. She’s brave, confident, and ballsy. It’s a wicked combination that drew me in from the very beginning.
It’s the only reason she’s standing before me now.
Had I really fooled myself into believing this girl wouldn’t track me down and demand answers?
I should have known better.
More than anything, I wish everything could be different between us. I wish I weren’t so fucked in the head.