The Bossy Prince (Rugged and Royal #3) - Lili Valente Page 0,17

us back on track and bumping along through the second verse of the carol. I seriously doubt the baby was planned. More likely, it was an accident, like the one Gerg and I had three months into our marriage.

One broken condom, and suddenly, my entire future was in question.

If I became a mother, my days in the field were over. I’d be chained to a desk for the rest of my life, obligated to be careful with myself for the sake of my child.

The prospect had been…horrifying, especially at first.

I hadn’t been ready to give up my dreams, my work, my future for a baby I wasn’t sure I wanted.

I’ve never fantasized about being a parent. It just isn’t part of the vision I have for my life. I have compassion for children—it’s hard to be small and powerless in a world run by irresponsible big people—but I don’t feel at all equipped to raise one.

My sisters and I were nurtured in fits and starts by a series of poorly paid, mostly American nannies. Our parents were a mixture of controlling and benignly neglectful and did nothing to model good child-rearing.

At best, I knew I would struggle even to know how to mother my baby, at a constant loss, with no example to reference. And, at worst, I feared I would be resentful or bitter, and that the child would sense that, no matter how I tried to hide it.

Still, when I’d miscarried barely six weeks into the pregnancy, I’d been…sad.

Confused and sad.

I wasn’t ready for a baby, but a tiny part of me thought this wrench thrown into my neatly ordered life might be a cosmic push in a new direction that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself.

Maybe, if I was forced to adapt, I would prove to myself that I’m not emotionally faulty beyond repair. That I could love as fiercely as all the non-broken people in the world. With fate dealing this hand, I could have taken the chance. But I wouldn’t choose to roll the dice on the possibility I could screw up a human being the way my parents did me.

And that meant making sure there were no more accidents.

I made the appointment to get an IUD the next day and have doubled up on birth control ever since.

I’m not having children. Ever.

But I’m completely happy for my sister—assuming she’s happy, which she seemed to be, beneath the green pallor.

Still, when we get back to the castle, I don’t seek Lizzy out. I let Sabrina and my mother do that. And when Nick motions for me to follow him up the stairs to the second floor, I shake my head. “I’m tired,” I lie. “I should get some sleep while I can.”

He hesitates, then nods. “Of course. I’ll do the same.”

I turn to go, but Nick’s voice stops me. “And Zan?”

I glance over my shoulder. “Yes?”

“Happy Christmas.” He smiles. “It’s all going to work out just fine. You’ll see.”

I’m not sure if he’s talking about the mission or our family or the baby or what, but I know better than to take comfort in predictions like that.

Things don’t always work out.

People don’t always live happily ever after.

In fact, from what I’ve seen, they mostly don’t. I can’t think of a single, long-standing couple in my extended family who has a truly happy marriage. My mother and father are cordial to each other, but there’s no passion or depth of emotion shared between them. And my aunts, uncles, and cousins are all in such glaringly dysfunctional relationships they make my parents look like John and Yoko.

As for work…

Well, spying isn’t a safe or predictable career.

My team and superiors have been hyper-prepared for every operation, but still, bad things have happened.

I’ve seen fellow agents wounded in the line of duty, and I lost a boss early in my career. Sven and I weren’t close, but he’d been in the field for decades. Realizing even a seasoned operative who’d been undercover on and off for the better part of forty years could still get made, still pay the ultimate price, had been a sobering reminder that there are no guarantees in the life I’ve chosen.

It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been home to visit for more than a few days at a time in years. I enjoy spending time with my sisters, but it’s best if we keep a buffer between us. Best if Sabrina and Lizzy stay identical-twin-bonded in a way that’s deeper and stronger than