Every time I went to push inside, I faltered and paced outside the doors, trying to drum up the courage to walk in. It never came. Frustrated, I slumped down on a chair outside the room and buried my head in my hands. There had to be another way to get close to Elena without disrespecting a room filled with strangers.
Skye would not agree with this, and considering half the reason I was still on Jamie’s side in all this was because of Skye, I couldn’t go through with it. She was the voice in the back of my head. If it had all been about Skye and not Jamie, I wouldn’t be doing any of it because Skye wouldn’t want it. She’d want Jamie and I to move on and live our lives.
I knew that with absolute certainty.
But Jamie couldn’t do that, so here I was. Helping him.
Or failing at helping him.
The feel of a hand on my shoulder brought my head up. Startled, I stared into the warm brown eyes of Elena Marshall. Taken aback, I realized that the support group had dispersed, a few shooting me curious looks as they departed.
“Are you okay?” Elena sat on the chair beside me. “I saw you hovering outside the entire time.”
Stunned to be this close to her, I couldn’t speak.
Emotion, anger being the foremost, clogged my throat, and I realized I hadn’t let go of my fury toward her as much as I’d like to think.
“Are you sick or does someone you love have cancer?” she asked tentatively, as though she was afraid to spook me.
Look at her. That seemingly genuine concern in her eyes. Was it real? How could it be? How could a kind person do what she had done to Jamie? Did they talk about pain management in her support group? I could talk about that for days, how Jamie was in so much pain, there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to take it away. “Someone I love,” I whispered.
Elena nodded. “It’s difficult, isn’t it?”
“Very.”
She held out her hand. “I’m Elena. I run the Coping with Cancer support group.”
I stared at her held-out hand. I couldn’t shake it.
Her smile wilted a little as she lowered it. “Why didn’t you join us today?”
“It didn’t … it didn’t feel right,” I answered honestly.
She nodded like she understood. “It can be difficult to open up to a room of strangers, but it’s amazing how much relief can be found from talking with people who understand what you’re going through. Or people who have cancer and can offer you advice on how to be there for your loved one.”
“What is it for you?” I asked. “Did you have cancer or was it someone you loved?”
“I have cancer.” Her smile trembled a little. “I fought breast cancer several years ago, but I just found out that it’s back.”
Fuck.
I bowed my head, looking at my feet. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve fought it before. I’ll fight it again.” Elena sighed heavily. “Why did you come today?”
Why did you do what you did?
That’s what I really wanted to ask. Instead, I looked at her and let all my confusion and anger blaze out of my eyes. “Something took our power away. Both of us. His and mine.” Not something. Someone. You did. Foster did. Wright. Kramer. You all took his power away. “And it hasn’t come back. I’m powerless to help him, and I think he blames me.” I know he blames me. “I think he feels abandoned …”
She nodded in understanding. “I can’t tell you whether that’s how your …”
“Boyfriend,” I offered.
“How your boyfriend feels. But is it possible you’re projecting? That helplessness is making you feel you’re not doing enough for him?” She edged closer. “All you can do is be there to offer comfort and hold his hand through this, to make sure he knows you’re not going anywhere.”
I glanced away, wondering if it would be enough. And was I a moron for even considering seeing Jamie through this, hoping I’d get the man I used to love back?
It was too confusing.
One minute I didn’t want anything to do with Jamie, and the next I was desperate to find a way to bring him peace again.
“The others in the group can offer you great insight.” Elena stood, and I followed suit. “Why don’t you come back next week? We’ll be here. Same time.”