wait for me?” I asked my friend.
“Of course.”
Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and walked at a pathetic, sloth-like pace across the street.
Jamie startled as I opened the car door and eased myself into the passenger seat beside him with less speed than an octogenarian. He met my eyes with a flat, blank look. Trepidation filled me.
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I guess I realized after I found the receipt for the plane ticket that you might want to come here to say a final goodbye.”
When he didn’t answer, my anger took over my fear.
“Were you going to say goodbye to me?”
Jamie cut me a dull look. “What good would it have done?”
I felt my heart crack right down the middle, and it hurt worse than anything Frank Kramer had done to me. “You don’t love me.”
Just like that, his anguish overwhelmed the blankness. “Love you,” he hissed. “I love you so fucking much, I can’t bear the thought of what happened to you. Or that I put you in that position. You took a beating for me, Jane. And not just physically. I’ve hurt you so much. I’ve almost destroyed you.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Why would you even want to be with me?”
“Jamie.” I tried to reach for him, but he flinched back. “Jamie.” I hardened. “You are not to blame for yesterday, and you give yourself too much credit. Kramer and Steadman were on to me when I first grew close to Asher. We’re just lucky they hadn’t seen me with you, or it could’ve turned out a lot worse for us. Especially knowing Foster has ties to a crime family.
“As for everything else, Lorna caused the bitterness between us, and I thought we’d moved past that. So if you’re running away because you feel guilty, then don’t. It’s completely misplaced.”
“It’s not just that.” Jamie ran a hand through his hair, resting his elbow on the steering wheel as he gazed up at the house. “I’m fucking lost, Jane. I’m so lost … and I didn’t even know how far gone I was until Asher told us that Steadman had been taken care of. I got back to the apartment and realized that what had been driving me since I got out of prison was this determination to make them all pay. And that’s gone. Out of my control.” He glared at me. “Who am I now?”
“You’re Jamie,” I replied, not afraid for him. I knew he’d find his way back to himself. His writing already gave him purpose. “Pen name Griffin Stone. The man I love, and a talented writer.” I turned toward him, wincing with the movement. “I’m not saying it will be easy or that we don’t have a rough road ahead of us. But I think we can do anything as long as we’re together.”
He was silent for a moment, processing my words.
Stupid hope rose within me.
Hope Jamie crushed when he turned to me and said, “I won’t screw up your life any more than I already have.”
For a moment, I didn’t know whether to be angry or heartbroken or understanding or defeated.
Then it hit me. I could be all those things.
But I’d survive them.
“I love you,” I told him. “I’ve loved you for half of my life. And I know I’ll never stop loving you.” Our eyes met and held, his dark with pain, mine with acceptance. “But I can’t keep doing this. I know what it’s like to live without you, and it was like walking around every day with this hole inside me.” Tears slipped down my cheeks despite my determination to be strong. “But I survived you, Jamie. I survived you then, and I will survive you now. You know why? Because I have to believe that one day, someone will come along who loves me so much, he could never imagine a world in which he’d abandon me.”
Jamie’s jaw locked and he looked quickly away.
“I just need to make peace with the fact that you’re not that guy.”
Swiping away my tears, I reached for the door handle and pulled. “I hope you find yourself. I really do.” I choked back a sob. “Goodbye.”
As I crossed the street, I met Asher’s concerned gaze and my face crumpled.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I stumbled to a stop as I gasped for air, my arms wrapped around myself as I sobbed silently through the pain. I’d only just