Stella's thoughts. If tonight I saw Stella out of her usual element, without all her walls up, this diary is Stella laid bare. The real Stella. Just from those few lines, I caught a glimpse of her.
I never knew she felt lonely. I know she didn't have any friends when she first started her job because she had just moved in from Seattle, but it's been two years. I imagined her having fun with friends on weekends, catching a late night movie, going to a 24-hour spa or a bar. I didn't think she was spending her weekends alone or that she felt so alone that she had trouble sleeping.
I want to know more.
I sit in her chair and read the journal starting with the first entry.
Today was my first day at work. The job is as tough as I thought it would be, but I'm not going to crack. I'm going to do my best. My hot boss is counting on me, after all. He has these intense black eyes and this perfect dark brown hair, like really dark. And don't get me started about how his body looks, especially in a suit. You know I have a thing for men in suits, but I swear none of them can rock a suit like Ethan Hawthorne can.
I grin. So she thinks I'm hot, does she? I have caught her staring at me on a few occasions. Now, I know why.
I keep reading. Some of the entries are just ramblings. Some are just a line long, like how she's tired from work or she's craving for ice cream. And surprisingly, some are about me.
I don't think Ethan knows it, but he's nailing his new job. He works harder than anyone in this building. And his head is full of brilliant ideas. He knows what he wants and he makes it happen. I'm proud to call him my boss.
Ethan is so serious. I wish he would smile more. Then again, I also like his serious expression. I think he looks hotter when he's frowning or when he's deep in thought.
Ethan and I have started this habit of chitchatting for a few minutes after work. I look forward to it, but I wish we could have real conversations. I wish he'd open up to me more.
Funny. I've been feeling the same way.
Ethan is away on a business trip. He's in Berlin. I wish he'd taken me with him.
My eyebrows arch. Stella wanted to come? I never knew. I always figured that when I'm away on a business trip, Stella has less work so she can relax and go home early. I thought that by leaving her behind, I was letting her take a break. It never occurred to me that she'd be happier coming along. She definitely never mentioned it.
There are other things she's never mentioned.
I miss Mom and Dad. I wouldn't mind going back to being a child again if it meant I could have them back.
I hate tacos. They're impossible to eat.
I wish I had more money in my bank account so I could start planning for that trip across Europe. I wonder if it's too soon to ask for a raise.
Today, I realized what I want to be more than anything - a mother.
That last one takes me by surprise even more than the rest. I had pegged her as a career woman, someone who would eventually go for another position in the corporate world and climb the ladder, maybe even become a top-ranking executive who would sit beside me at important meetings, not stand behind me taking notes. I can imagine her sitting behind a desk, being the one giving orders. I can't imagine her pushing a baby stroller through the park.
But I don't have anything against the idea of her being a mother. If anything, what I'm struggling to accept is the fact that someday, she might get married, get pregnant and leave. I guess I was hoping she'd stay single and stay by my side like Roseanne did for my father.
I keep reading, wondering what other secrets Stella had buried between the pages. I have a feeling there's more, but I never expected what I discover next.
I want to have sex. I want to know what it feels like to have a man inside me.
When I have sex, I want it to be a little rough. I want to experience it fully. I want to lose my mind.