a penis joke waiting for me, I’d also be attending his funeral. Dick had purposely named me William so that we’d be forever bonded as father and son with Johnson-themed nicknames.
What? Isn’t that how your parents named you?
Still. Preparedness never softened my reaction. You can’t ever be ready for your parent to open the conversation with the state of your genitals. “Oh Jesus.”
Georgia buried her face in Kline’s chest behind Dick’s back to swallow her amusement. That wasn’t new either. If anyone knew what I was going through, it was her.
As soon as she composed herself and turned around, I gave her the eye. The one that said hey, these are your parents, too. She gave me a look back, but hers conveyed how happy she was to be sharing some of the humiliation.
She’d borne the brunt of it for most of our recent past. First, while I was in medical school and doing my residency, both endeavors that consumed nearly every hour of my days, and then when she got married to a man my parents adored, settled thirty minutes from their house, and then went and had a child.
She can only blame herself, if you ask me. Everyone knows grandchildren are a surefire way to ensure your parents have an all-access pass.
But she’d received more than one shipment of sex toys—even while on her honeymoon—from our mother in her tenure as humiliation buffer, so I guessed it was my turn.
“Come on, come on,” my mom said, shuffling us into the living room. “Your show is about to start, but I have snacks inside!”
“Snacks?” I asked hopefully. I hadn’t had anything to eat since this morning before work, and I was starving. Unfortunately, Kline’s laughter and a few slaps to my shoulder dampened my hope rather quickly.
“What? No snacks?” I asked.
“Oh, there are snacks,” Kline corrected. “Just you wait.”
“Get in here, you three!” Savannah yelled. My sister’s eyes gleamed with the knowledge of things to come.
I glanced at the door, vivid dreams of escape temporarily taking over my vision, but Georgia’s slap to the top of my arm snapped me out of it.
“Come on. Your television debut awaits.”
How weird. Me on television. Talk about a turn of life I didn’t really expect, seeing as I was a doctor.
Officially lured in, I followed my sister and brother-in-law down the hall. Julia shot out of a doorway and tripped me, but I managed both to catch myself before hitting the ground and avoid stepping on her.
“Whoa, JuJu. You almost took your Uncle Will out,” Kline teased with a smile as he scooped her up and into his arms.
“Boom boom, dah-dee,” she answered, and even I laughed.
Boom boom, indeed.
My mom and dad were waiting in the living room when we arrived, but that didn’t last long.
“Shoot, Dick. Come help me. I forgot the champagne out in the garage.”
“Champagne?” I protested. “It’s just a show, Mom.”
She ignored me, and so did my dad. He didn’t hesitate to jump up and follow her down the hall.
Georgia covered Julia’s ears, the constantly moving little girl now on her lap, and said the words we all knew to be true but didn’t want to say. “They’re definitely going to have s-e-x.”
I shrugged in affirmation. I couldn’t think of a time when Dick and Savannah weren’t sneaking off to have sex. And good for them, I guess. I just wished I knew a little less about it.
The smell of food caught my attention, and it didn’t take me long to zero in on its origin—the coffee table.
Ah Jesus.
“Are those vagina-shaped crescent rolls?” I asked, but I knew the answer. Goddammit, my parents are weird.
Kline nodded enthusiastically. “I helped shape them.”
“And those? What are those?”
“Deviled eggs with the tops on and a pickle speared garnish,” Georgia said, her eyes wide and innocent.
“And?”
She huffed and giggled a little. “A fertilized egg, obviously.”
“The Twizzlers?”
“Fallopian tubes.”
“See?” Kline said with a laugh. “I told you there were snacks.”
“Christ.”
Still…I was really hungry. And I do like eating pussy, I reasoned. Grabbing three bread vaginas, I popped the first into my mouth and searched the table for penis-shaped hot dogs. I really needed some protein, even if it was of questionable origin and phallic in shape.
“Ooh, it’s starting! Look, look!” George squealed excitedly. “Turn it up, Kline.”
He jumped to do as she bid, and I took a seat on the couch beside her and Julia as he did.
The music started, a fast tempo with a ton of B-roll footage of the hospital, its halls,