shut and pressed her lips together as she felt tears pool in her eyes, her throat thicken.
Would she never get over this? Everything had happened seventeen years ago. She was an adult now. She should be in better control. She took a deep, careful breath, the pain making her hiccup. She was holding Tanner’s hand now, gripping so hard her fingers ached.
“I thought that if I showed him how smart I was, if I just tried harder, he’d love me like he used to, back when it was fun, and he’d come home and he’d love me.”
She felt her face crumple at the memory. Tears streaked down her cheeks, and she brushed them away.
“I know it’s stupid,” she said, her voice quavering.
“It’s not stupid,” Tanner said, his voice tight.
“So for my fifteenth birthday—he’d been gone maybe six or seven months by then. But he’d never missed my birthday. Ever. Mom baked a big cake and fired up the barbecue and had balloons and decorations, and I waited out at the front gate until it was dark, but he never came. And I never saw him again.”
Tanner laced her fingers in his.
“Hope, he is a worthless, selfish—” he began.
“I know,” Hope said, sniffing. “I’ve told myself that, I know it’s true, but inside I just feel that our family fell apart because of me. That if I’d done something differently, been a better card player, or maybe just a better person, more lovable somehow—that he would have loved me more and stayed with us. I still get sick to my stomach about it.”
“No kid should think they have to earn their parent’s love,” Tanner said, his voice harsh. “You must know it wasn’t your fault.”
“In my head, I know that, but not in my gut,” she said. “In my head, I know he would have gone anyway. Maybe sooner, if I hadn’t played cards and made him look good. But I’m still a basket case about it. And then he never came back, so without the winnings he and I had brought in, we got poor, so I worried about that, too. I got a job after school to help out, and we’re doing a lot better now.”
“You didn’t wreck your family at fifteen,” Tanner said gently. “You’ve been trying to save your family since then.”
“Well, mom held us together, and I did what I could,” Hope said. “I’ve been able to help Faith with her business ventures, and I put a little something aside every month for the future. But that’s why birthdays are hard. And the really bad part is, there are so many of them.”
She smiled, a little wanly, feeling exhausted. She slumped back in the chair and closed her eyes as tears of hurt and anger and loss trickled down her face.
Now he knew.
She heard Tanner get out of his chair. She opened her eyes as he kneeled before her. His face was just inches from hers. He cradled her head in both his hands, his eyes tender, his thumbs gently wiping the tears from her cheeks. But his voice was harsh, tight with control, when he spoke.
“I’ve played cards with your father a couple of times, and I’ve always known he’s not much of a poker player,” he said. And now I know he’s a crappy human being, too. It’s cruel and cowardly to desert a family like that.”
“I know,” Hope said without much energy.
“The first thing we have to do is work on that birthday problem of yours. Starting today, we’re going to have lots of unbirthday parties with lots of presents. Positive reinforcement, that’s the ticket.”
Hope smiled, more strongly this time. “That’s a nice idea, but—”
“We had a nice party atmosphere in the pool, for example,” Tanner said, his eyes suddenly wicked.
Hope felt herself flush under his hands. She tried to pull back, but he didn’t let her go.
“That’s different,” she said. “We can’t—”
“I’m pretty sure we can have a party atmosphere anywhere we want,” Tanner said, grinning at her. “The patio, for example.” And leaning into her, he kissed her, calling her bluff.
“See?” he said, when they came up for air.
Hope smiled. “You’re right,” she said, feeling dazed. “It’s party time.”
“My dress shrank a little in the dryer,” Hope said, coming into the living room and tugging down on the bodice.
Tanner looked up from putting on his sandals and smiled at her, that devastating smile that made her want to kiss him in the pool or on dry land—anywhere, in fact.
“It fits perfectly,”