Been There Done That (Leffersbee #1) - Hope Ellis Page 0,130
the rarest of smiles. “Congratulations. We were aware, of course, of the requirement to obtain an R01 within this period of time. But we’re hardly ignorant of the fact that your work, your research, has greatly contributed to clinician training and education here. And while you did not obtain the designated grant, you’ve been extremely productive and brought in other forms of grant funding. So, I’m pleased to be the first person to congratulate you on this promotion.”
He extended his hand across the desk.
I shook it.
I’d never imagined that this moment, one that I’d worried and agonized over for so long, would end so positively. I’d spent so long imagining every possible calamitous end that would befall my employees that I’d stopped entertaining the idea that I would actually make it.
The moment I’d been afraid to dream for, a victory, a triumph, had finally arrived. All while I choked back hot tears.
“I imagine this is a bittersweet moment for you.” Dean Gould’s look was warmer than I thought him capable of, and sympathetic. “But I thought it was important to tell you. You should have all the information you need before making any . . . significant decisions in the future.”
Anger mounted, billowed in my chest.
Hadn’t I said that very thing to Nick? When he’d justified making a decision on my behalf twelve years ago? A decision that separated us for all this time?
I’d excused it, forgiven it of the eighteen-year-old with limited resources and fewer choices. But how could I justify this behavior from the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with? Could I accept being managed, manipulated, and controlled behind my back? All in the name of love?
I’d earned tenure. Legitimately. But the victory tasted like ash in my mouth.
Because losing Nick again, letting go of the dream and the life I’d anticipated with him, devastated me in a way that tenure would never come close to fixing.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Zora
The smell of something wonderful met me as soon as I threw open my front door.
God. Nick was here.
I’d driven home, wanting to avoid him and the lake house until I thought through what I wanted to say. I’d forgotten we’d planned to meet me here so we could discuss our weekend in San Francisco.
I’d been so busy sniffling and sniveling during the drive home that, like an idiot, I must have missed Nick’s car in the driveway.
A joyful bark sounded from within in, then the thunderous noise of Sir Duke bounding to the door followed. He pranced in a circle, tail wagging, tongue lolling.
I stroked a hand down his back, fighting back a fresh surge of tears.
How was I going to do this? I loved Nick and I loved this dog.
But I had to be strong.
“Zora? Baby, that you?”
Baby, I thought spitefully.
I made it into the kitchen, bag in hand.
Nick straightened from the kitchen table where he’d placed a plate on a placemat.
“You’re back—”
He stiffened, his gaze moving over my face.
Several beats of silence passed as we stared at each other over the table. The air crackled with the anticipation of conflict, swelled with impending doom and disaster.
I watched as knowledge entered his eyes and something like resignation unlocked his shoulders from around his ears.
“You know.”
I threw my bag on the counter, slammed my keys alongside it, fought to keep my hysteria and voice low. I didn’t want to scare Sir Duke, and I didn’t want to give way to the panic fluttering in my chest like captive butterfly wings. Giving in to the terror would make it true, right? Best to stay calm, to figure out how this was all a joke, to embrace the relief of knowing the sun wasn’t about to set on the greatest love of my life.
Calm, Zora. Steady.
“That’s the best you can do? ‘You know?’”
He blinked, said nothing.
My chest heaved. “I just got my teeth kicked in by Dean Gould. I just heard that the man that I love went behind my back and orchestrated a deal, made me a charity case—”
“Zora, that wasn’t my intention.”
“What was your intention, then? If not to make me look like a fool. Again. If not to make it clear that you didn’t have any confidence in me, or my ability.”
“It wasn’t you I doubted.” He spoke very quietly, his gaze locked on mine. “It was never you. It was the unfair system they had in place. You trusted them to do the right thing—”