bad, felt like an item added to a list. Two columns written in indelible black ink.
If your heart is here, Levi had said, if Green Valley is the only place you can imagine yourself, then I'll beat the pavement as long as I need to in order to stay right here with you.
It was the scariest possible thing he could have ever said to me. Because as I drove home, bubbling and full to the brim with righteous indignation, I'd desperately tried to ignore the realization that I'd never thought about it.
How dare he, I'd thought.
I'm always catching up.
Can't I ever just feel things in my own time?
That's not fair, came right on the heels of that one. If I didn't own up to the fact that Levi never pushed me to cross a line until I'd indicated that the line might be flexible and flimsy, then I probably wasn't deserving of the love that he'd held on to for so long.
When I approached hour twenty-five, my phone silent and my heart heavy, I pulled into the driveway and saw my mom's car. When I had something to discuss, something to work through and untangle, she was never the person I went to. She never had been, even before I got sick.
I let myself in quietly, in case she was still asleep, but when Nero came running to me from the kitchen, I knew she was up.
"Hey, bub," I whispered as he attacked me with pink tongue and waggling butt. The effusive greeting made me laugh, and I instructed him to drop his paws from my lap, which he did immediately.
"In here," my mom called. "I'm just making some eggs if you're hungry."
"I'm okay, thanks."
She was in blue scrubs with her dark hair twisted into a low knot. She told me once that I looked like my father, and it wasn't hard to imagine because there was nothing familiar in her face, nothing I could match to mine. Her face was tired, her movements slow.
"Long night?"
Over her shoulder, she nodded, then looked back at the eggs she was scrambling on the stovetop. "Lots of babies last night. If it wasn't a full moon, I'd wonder what was going on."
"You're up early."
It was midday, a time she would normally be sound asleep.
"I took some overtime. Figured the extra money wouldn't hurt."
I was quiet, watching her move the spatula around the pan. Nero nudged my hand, and I scratched his head.
"What's wrong?" she asked without looking at me. "Was it work?"
I shook my head. "No, work was fine. I like it there."
Mom didn't say anything for a second, sliding her eggs from the pan onto a waiting plate. "Is it Levi?"
My head snapped up. "How did you know?"
"Oh honey, you've been floating around here on a cloud. Plus, that boy has looked at you like you hung the moon for years; you're the only one who didn't see it."
Great. Another thing that I could add to the list.
What Was Joss Wearing Blinders To: #47
"He got a job offer."
"That's great. Something he wants?"
I smiled sadly. "With his degree? It's like hitting the jackpot."
Her eyes searched my face briefly, then focused on her food. Between her fingers, she twirled the fork before digging it into the eggs. "So why the face?" she asked after she swallowed her first bite.
"It's in Seattle."
"Ohhh."
"Yeah."
"When does he leave?" she asked carefully.
I dragged my finger along the top of Nero's muzzle when he laid his head on my leg. "He needs to give them an answer today or tomorrow."
My mom nodded.
"He asked me to come with him," I said once I screwed up enough courage to get the words out. I couldn't look at her face, almost afraid of what I'd see there. "But … that's crazy. I can't just, you know, move with him."
The sound of her fork sliding across the plate was the only thing punctuating the silence. I had to grit my teeth from yelling something insane like, can't you just be a mom and tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do! For once!
Raising a self-sufficient child, wheelchair or not, was great and all, but sometimes you just wanted your parent to tell you which direction would benefit you most.
"Can't you?" she asked quietly.
When I lifted my eyes, she was watching me.
"Don't get me wrong," she continued, holding up her hands at whatever she saw in my face. "I'd miss you, Jocelyn, I would. I know I'm not the best mom. I raised you