did you give him a way to forever find you? Hmm? By giving him that name, you just gave him open access to you.”
I’m like an alcoholic. I know I need to walk away and be done, but for some reason, I leave gaps along the way to recovery because although my mind knows what’s best for me, my heart tells me something different.
“Be done with this,” she says intently, “before something bad happens.”
“Can I stay here for a while? I’m not ready to go home just yet.”
“Of course. I’ll go make us some coffee.”
I pick up my cell and text Landon to see if he can pick up the girls from school. When he responds that he can, I tuck the phone into my pocket and head downstairs. I spend the rest of the afternoon allowing Brooke to distract me, but it’s in vain as I sneak glimpses at my phone to see if Alec has responded to my email or has texted me. So far, nothing. He should know by now the liar I am, and the thought that I might never hear from him again punctures my heart.
Eventually the sun descends, Chris comes home from work, and Brooke cooks her family dinner, all the while I do my best to fake a smile and good conversation. As I sit on the couch and watch the evening news, my phone buzzes from my pocket. The vibration of what could be spikes my heart to thump in rapid succession. But two words is all it takes to kill the beats into paralysis.
Alec: Damn you.
I’ve been waiting for hours, wondering if I’d ever get a reaction to the email, and here it is. I’m consumed with a million thoughts as I stare down at my phone, and when I finally pull myself away, I see Brooke staring at me from the kitchen. My face heats as hidden sadness resurfaces, and I can’t let Chris see me this vulnerable.
“I’ll be right back,” I say before I stand, grab my coat, and step out onto the back porch.
Me: I’m so sorry.
It’s a lame response, but I don’t know what else to say.
Alec: A wife?
Me: Yes.
Alec: A mother?
Me: Yes.
He then sends a photo text of a picture of me with some random fan that he must have found on the Internet. He’s been researching me.
Me: I am so sorry I lied.
Alec: What the fuck are you doing? Are you looking for an affair or just looking to fuck with someone’s feelings?
Me: Neither. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was only on that fetish site for research. I never expected anyone to message me, but it happened, and I’m so sorry.
Confliction multiplies as I try to remedy this situation when I know I shouldn’t. I should ignore these texts. I should block his number. But I’m losing control as I attempt to convince him I’m not the bad person he thinks I am.
Alec: What do you want?
Me: I don’t know.
Alec: Are you happy with your husband?
Delete this conversation, Tori. Don’t respond. Don’t lead him on. Just end it.
Me: I don’t know.
What the hell am I doing?
The bitter cold seeps into my pores as I wait for a response—for anything—but nothing comes. Shivers eventually take over and I give up, doing everything I can to hold myself together when I walk back inside.
“I should get going,” I announce.
“It was good seeing you, Tor,” Chris says from the dining table. “Tell Landon I said hi.”
“I will.”
I give Ryder, their son, a hug and a kiss and then walk with Brooke to the front door.
“You’ll feel better tomorrow,” she assures along with a hug. “Go home, take a bath, and try to clear your head, okay?”
I nod, swallowing painfully through the knot in my throat as I fight back tears. She sees through me though.
“Don’t beat yourself up. You’re going to be fine. Call or text me if you need anything.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“No. You’re being human.”
“Don’t tell Chris.”
“Never. You know what you tell me is ours and no one else’s.”
I take another hug and then hop in my car. Nothing can vanquish his response as it replays in my head again and again.
Damn you.
Why do those words punch my gut every time I think about them? I wish it were as easy as soaking in a bath to take this all away. I wish I never set up that stupid account. I wish so many useless wishes as I drive through Cambridge