was mean to you. You cried.”
Shit. Had I? I didn’t remember that. Although, I’d turned into a watering pot since Ryan’s death, so maybe it wasn’t too much of a surprise.
“When?” I hedged.
“That first night. When you slept.”
Christ. “I was probably having a bad dream.”
“You said his name. You were asking him not to let you go. He let you go anyway.”
Wincing, I admitted, “Honey, that was a long time ago.”
“Not long ago enough if it gives you bad dreams.”
I couldn’t exactly argue with her logic.
“When you love someone, sometimes, you make them cry.”
“I love you and you don’t make me cry.”
“How about when I tell you off for doing something I told you not to? I’ve seen your eyes sparkle, sweetheart.”
Her mouth pursed into a rosebud. “That isn’t the same thing.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“Those last few months, Daddy Ryan was mean, wasn’t he?” I managed to get the words out, even though they felt like a betrayal in and of themselves. “He made me cry, baby. Didn’t stop me from loving him. If anything, I loved him harder.” It wasn’t a lie, but it didn’t take into account how those days, when the tumor seemed to change his entire personality, I’d loved the old Ryan even more. Appreciated him more than I ever thought possible.
“Daddy was sick.” Her eyes widened. “Is Daddy Wolfe?”
“No!” I quickly assured her, immediately regretting talking about Ryan. But shit, I was at a loss. We’d been here nearly three weeks now and she hadn’t spoken to Wolfe once.
He didn’t say anything, but I saw that it killed him when she ignored him, and fuck, I wanted what I’d never had—Amaryllis to be surrounded in her daddy’s love. She had more daddies than she probably knew what to do with, but if Ryan had taught me anything, it was to be mindful where those you loved were concerned.
The MC lifestyle wasn’t for everyone. It was hard and it was dangerous. One day, you were riding high with a big wedge in your pocket from a run, with the prospect of a party at the clubhouse with no other intention of getting your dick wet, and poisoning your liver for the night. The next? You could be in the morgue or in jail.
As Prez, Wolfe wouldn’t take as many risks as some of the other members, but my dad had been Prez and he’d been killed too.
There was always beef with other clubs, and the pigs were always sniffing around the place looking to take us down.
I didn’t want her to have any regrets, even as I wondered if I’d done the right thing bringing my daughter back to the fold when, in retrospect, it seemed like the worst thing I could have done.
But I needed to be here. My fucking soul needed to be here, with those men.
I hadn’t done well after Ryan. I’d started drinking too much, eating too much, sleeping too much. I’d been a shitty mother, and I didn’t want that for Amaryllis. When the idea had come to me to return home, it was the only thing that had lit a fire under my ass in weeks.
Suddenly, I had direction. I had a goal.
Being a good mom should have been goal enough, but under the crushing grief? I’d crumpled, and I’d be ashamed about that for the rest of my life because I’d let her down.
She might not like me for it at this moment, but I was trying to do right by her even as we spoke.
Letting my thumb stroke her chubby cheek, I murmured, “Daddy Wolfe was confused when he first saw me, I know, and he was mean because of that. Don’t you get mad sometimes?” I cleared my throat. “You not talking to him… isn’t that you being mean to him?” Her eyes flared wide in outrage, but I quickly murmured, “I’ll always need you to defend me, baby. Always. And I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart, but sometimes, I need to defend you too. Daddy Wolfe wants to show you how much he loves you. I’d be such a bad mommy if I didn’t try to make you see that.”
For a second, she squirmed in front of me. I knew she wanted to argue, knew it like I knew every angle of her young face, but I hadn’t demanded, I’d entreated, and where a clever little monkey like Ama was concerned, that meant everything.
She huffed. “I don’t like it when people are mean