flea market not far from here. This old man was selling them and he had a few people lining up to make offers. I actually wasn't sure what everyone was offering to pay and made a kind of lowball offer, but I guess he could see that I really wanted them so he gave them to me.”
“Wow, that's awesome,” I say. “I actually love going to the markets.”
“Yes, me, too.”
“Have you ever been to the one in the Rose Bowl? It's a huge flea market they have every Sunday in Pasadena in the parking lot of the Rose Bowl stadium.”
“Yes, I have. More than once. It's pretty cool, but I actually have found more interesting things down in Long Beach.”
“I’ve never been to that one,” I say, raising one eyebrow.
“Well, I'll have to take you sometime then.”
I smile.
He's flirting with me.
It's kind of a relief because this is the first time it feels like we are actually flirting since I came out here.
As we dig into our food, our conversation becomes a lot more casual and easy-going. The tension that seemed to exist when I first got here all but disperses and I start to feel a lot more comfortable.
“To tell you the truth, I was taken back a little bit by the fact that you showed me to my room,” I say after he pours me my second glass of wine.
The first one has already gone to my head and makes me feel a little bit less inhibited.
“Well, I didn't want you to think that you owed me anything. You came here for a week and I wanted you to be comfortable.”
“I appreciate that,” I say.
“You know that doesn't mean that I don't want to… You know… be with you,” Liam says and takes a sip of his wine.
He looks at me in that mischievous way that sends a shiver up my spine.
I strain my back and bite my lower lip.
“So… Why don't you?” I ask coyly.
Without needing anymore of an invitation, he reaches over the table and presses his lips onto mine.
He catches me completely by surprise, but then I immediately kiss him back.
Once our mouths collide and our tongues find each other, my heartbeat speeds up and I have to pull away to calm my breaths.
“What's wrong?” he asks.
I sigh deeply and pull my hands one on top of the other in my lap. I look up at him as he sits back in his chair.
“I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to… Make you uncomfortable.”
“No, not at all. It was actually really nice.”
I don't know why I suddenly feel so nervous. My heartbeat is pounding so loud that I can barely make out what he's saying.
I have a history of panic attacks and suddenly it feels like one is coming on.
Liam continues to say something, but at this point I can't understand a word.
“Just ignore him,” I say silently to myself. “Take a deep breath. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth, just like you learned in meditation.”
I should meditate every day, I know this, and so many people do to all of those meditation apps. I did for a while and it made me feel a lot better. The panic attacks have subsided, but then I got lazy.
Still, I haven't had one for a long time. I have no idea why my anxiety is suddenly rearing its ugly head.
“Are you okay?” Liam asks and I realize that he is leaning over me, with his arm around my shoulder.
I look at him, but all I see are black spots interspersed with bright spots.
“Just ignore everything,” I say to myself, focusing my eyes straight ahead.
I breathe in through my nose and out of my mouth.
I do this over and over again.
Slowly, very slowly, but also very deliberately.
Then the spots start to disappear.
My breathing calms me down. My anxiety subsides and when I look at him again, everything is fine.
“I'm sorry about that,” I whisper. “Sometimes I have these little panic attacks. I haven't had one for a long time but it's only just come over me.”
“Please, don't apologize for that. Are you okay?”
I nod.
“Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?”
“Can I have some tea? Something decaffeinated?”
“I have mint and decaffeinated Irish breakfast.”
“Mint is great,” I say.
When he rushes over to the kitchen to put the kettle on, I get up slowly from my seat and walk over to the couch.
Instead of plopping down, I descend onto it very slowly.
I continue to breathe, deliberately,