holding him back. After burdening him with four children by the age of thirty, now she wanted out. It seemed so unfair. “At least you followed your dreams. I never have,” he said. “And what am I going to do as a divorced man with four kids?” He looked woebegone, and Coco touched his hand.
“You’ll manage and do it well.” He was the best husband she knew, the best father, son, and friend. He covered all the bases, and had for years, with no one’s help. He thought the same of her. They had both managed in hard circumstances, with no support from their partners. Even Ian, who was a kind man, was not there when she needed him. Once Bethanie got sick, he had run away and she had to face it alone. He was still hiding in Marrakesh with his books and his dog, afraid to live. At least she had taken chances, even if she made mistakes and got hurt. The wounds healed. And she knew Sam’s would too.
“I don’t understand people,” Sam said, “how when things get tough, they just walk away, instead of putting some effort into it.” Walking away wasn’t his style or hers. But Sam had a lot on his back now, especially if he had to shoulder Tamar’s responsibilities and his own. “Maybe she’ll come to her senses, but I don’t think so.”
“Even if she does,” Coco said bravely, honest with him as she always tried to be, “then you’re stuck in a marriage you never wanted, with a woman I’m not sure you ever loved. You said you loved her, but you married her out of duty and respect for your parents, and for her. You can’t stay with someone for fifty years out of respect.”
“My parents did,” he said.
“They loved each other too. My mother always said not to play by other people’s rules and to think outside the box. I took it too far, and tried to win the unwinnable with impossible people. I knew Ian was damaged, even though I didn’t realize how extreme it was. And the warning signs were there with Nigel, but I closed my eyes. I knew he wanted a glamorous life and had no money. I just didn’t see or didn’t want to see that he was after mine, and every piece of ass that walked past him. And I knew Ed was married. There are a million men like him out there, cheating on their wives. It’s the oldest story in the world.”
“You were young then,” Sam said with a forgiving smile.
“I still knew, but I can’t afford to be stupid anymore, or blind. You were right, I get dazzled every time. There’s no substance there. It’s all sparkle with nothing behind it. Even now, I just spent six months playing with a sweet boy fresh out of kindergarten. I need to get serious about my life too. I should sell my house here. It’s too big and it makes no sense. It used to remind me of Nigel, now it reminds me of Ian. I need something that’s mine. And my parents’ apartment is depressing. I have to let go of that too. Growing up is hard,” she said, and he smiled.
They had been leading grown-up lives for a long time and taken on adult responsibilities while they were still children. “I’m coming to New York for three months, by the way. We have a new investor, who wants to set up an office there. I’m going to get him started. Maybe I’ll put my parents’ apartment on the market when I’m there. I’d like to keep the house in the Hamptons though, and take Bethanie there in the summer. I guess I need to figure out my life too.” It felt like she was starting from scratch after Ian, the interlude with Jimmy in Paris, and Bethanie getting sick. She’d gotten her degree, now what? And she hadn’t been serious about her business either, from the distance in the past year. Fortunately, Leslie had been there to run it and did it well. “I’m almost thirty, I feel like I need to act like an adult.” He smiled again.
“You’ve had a lot of curveballs thrown at you,” he said generously. “Your parents dying, Bethanie’s leukemia, bad men. All things considered, you’ve handled it pretty well. And I am thirty, and my life is a mess.”
“That’s not your fault either. And it’s not a mess. You got married